You've felt it, walked into a room, and thought, "I hope...isn't here!" "I won't attend that function because that person will be there." You think about them and become enraged. You wish they would "get sand fleas," as one friend long ago lamented. Your body tenses, and your blood pressure goes up, as your mind recalls and watches the well-ingrained movie of what they did to you or your loved one. Maybe they hurt your child, and you think, "Nobody Hurts My Child!" You have to stay in control; you won't actually do anything. The thought of jail is a good deterrent, or that's just not who you are. Still, you pray to God that He will intervene. You beg God to stop them, remove them, save their soul, or not.

It isn't anger anymore; it has morphed into something worse, something diabolical. You need justice; you think about it much of the day. You are not easily distracted from the constant rush of thoughts about how they could get away with such horrible things. You refer to them as "my captor," "my abuser," "my rapist," "the one who took my loved one," and the list goes on. You have taken ownership of this monster, and its despicable behavior has taken control of your life.

Bitterness sets in. Do you hear your doctor telling you something like, "Here comes high blood pressure and high cortisol"? Over time, you start stress eating, and your doctor says something like, "Diabetes is just around the corner." Maybe the bitterness has already broken through and is making all of your life decisions. Your sleep is gone, and you feel as if you will never get enough rest. The physical pain of depression and anxiety takes over as bitterness bolts you to the bottom of an ocean of impossibilities. Yes, your emotions have a direct connection to your physical health, and they can stop healing in its tracks. You don't want to be this way, and you don't have to stay where you are.

Wait, there's more. Yes, anger and bitterness have so much more to offer. They are the infomercial of all time for always bringing you more. Irritability and emotional outbursts toward those you love. That's right, you get to take the pain of anger, bitterness, depression, and anxiety and pass it on. That sneaky disease is contagious. You don't even know you are doing it, but the people you love do. Sometimes it rears its ugly head in the form of protection. You are determined that you are going to protect the ones you love from that monster, only to find you have become a different kind of monster, but damaging just the same.

That's right, over time anger becomes bitterness and then depression and anxiety. Anger steals your soul. Then it bleeds onto those around you, the people you are closest to. The cycle continues: you were hurt, then you hurt others. I joined Celebrate Recovery a few years ago and almost completed the twelve steps. That is another story for another day that I don't mind sharing, but today, the folks I was with would say, "Hurt people hurt people." They shared a constant reminder that a consequence of remaining hurt means hurting the people you love. You have a responsibility to heal.

What does the Bible say about forgiveness and healing?

Forgiveness can help you heal. You can find joy when you forgive. We are broken vessels sharing in the greatest gift of forgiveness, grace, and mercy ever given. Maybe you have read the passage in John 21 (John 21:15-17, ESV), even though Peter had betrayed Jesus. He had gone back to fishing with what I can only believe was deep sorrow over Jesus' death and guilt over his decision to deny that he knew Jesus. Peter may not have known that he was already forgiven when Jesus showed up on the shore of that giant lake. He didn't recognize Jesus' voice. He did recognize the size of the net full of fish Jesus gave him. The Bible relates that as soon as Peter knew who it was, he wrapped up and went running to the one he had betrayed.

I believe two things were going on here. Yes, Jesus forgave Peter. Jesus invited Peter back into a relationship with Him three times. That was the exact number of times Peter denied Jesus. He denied Jesus on the very night Jesus was arrested. That was when Jesus needed His friend most. What about Peter accepting that forgiveness? The release of the physical stress and the physical pain must have been unbelievable. He dropped the self-loathing that most of us would have felt if we failed our best and most loyal friend.

The forgiveness that Jesus gave to Peter melted him. He was transformed into a man who could not be stopped. He would serve Jesus, the one who forgave him. He was willing to die for Jesus. The tradition of the Catholic Church teaches that Peter became the first pope. We also know from history that Peter was a changed man devoted to Christ, who gave Peter the forgiveness he desperately needed.

You can have the same thing. You can experience the confidence that causes you to run hard to the ones you have wronged. You know, the people you hurt because you were hurt? You can trade the irritability, fatigue, anger, hurt, lost sleep, bitterness, hopelessness, and overwhelm for peace and joy and hope. You can give your body the opportunity to heal. I'm not a doctor, so I can't promise you that all of your ailments will disappear, but I can tell you that the peace you can feel will help.

You don't have to keep living with that monster: "my abuser," "my rapist," "my captor," and "my you fill in the blank." This monster does not have to own you anymore. Based on what I have written so far, I hope you recognize that the ultimate physician is Jesus. He is the one who can bring you a level of peace no one can understand. The thing is, Jesus even healed people who didn't follow Him. Luke 17 tells us that (Luke 17:11-19, ESV). Think about that for a minute. He healed people who didn't believe in Him. I strongly recommend that you believe. Faith can take you places you could never imagine. If you don't believe me, I am sitting here, still writing a blog for a website built by my brother for the business I started four years ago, and it is growing. Five years ago, you could ask the people who knew me. I would have said there is no way in this world I would ever do that.

Can you really heal from the pain someone else caused?

I've told you that you can heal. I've told you that you don't have to follow Jesus to feel dramatically better, even though I don't suggest it. There are plenty of reasons to follow Jesus. Forgiveness is just one of them.

Accelerated Resolution Therapy changes lives. My clients tell me it does, and I have experienced it too. Bitterness eases up, and hope can be restored. I've watched it happen time and time again. In a randomized trial with veterans, ART reduced symptoms of PTSD, depression, and anxiety in about four sessions (Kip et al., 2013). In another study of grieving older adults, four sessions sharply cut grief, PTSD, and depression (Buck et al., 2020).

ART can change things for you. The fatigue caused by that monster "my you fill in the blank" can dissipate. Clients say, "Your body relaxes." You may not be able to recall the last time you were that relaxed. According to the people I serve, the monster that has been haunting you for years shrinks. That monster stops calling your name. You can find sleep and restoration. Hope returns. They tell me they find a way to stop hurting the people they love. Let me repeat that: you find a way to stop hurting the people you love. People start saying, "You're different, and it is in a good way." I know; clients tell me what their family says to them about the change.

Emotionally healthy people may start wanting to be around you. The people you love stop walking on eggshells and start being honest with you. You start concentrating on your job again, and your mind is cleared of the never-ending rant about your pain. You can concentrate on reading a book or feel that fish on the end of your line. No matter who hurt you, the responsibility to heal falls on you. It's time to click the free consult button above and talk with me. I am Vickie, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Maryville, TN, and I help people from Knoxville and the surrounding communities heal from trauma and the bad stuff that just happens to you. I can help you. Click the link at the top of the page, and schedule a time so we can talk.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is forgiveness the same as saying what they did was okay?

No. Forgiveness does not excuse what happened or mean it didn't matter. It means you stop letting the person who hurt you keep control of your body, your sleep, and your peace. You can hold that what they did was wrong and still choose to lay down the bitterness that is hurting you.

Do I have to be a Christian for this to help?

No. Faith is at the center of my own story, and I recommend it. But you don't have to follow Jesus to feel dramatically better. Accelerated Resolution Therapy helps people from all walks of life let go of the images and pain they've been carrying.

What if I can't just "decide" to forgive?

That's the honest starting place for most people. Forgiveness is rarely a single decision; it's a release your body has to catch up to. That's part of what we work on together, and it's part of why a tool like ART can help, by loosening the grip of the memory so letting go stops feeling impossible.

Crisis Resource

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or go to your nearest emergency room. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. If you or someone you love is experiencing domestic violence, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.

Clinical Content Disclaimer

All clinical content on this website is written or reviewed by Vickie Starkey, LMFT, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Tennessee since 2005 (License #579). Vickie holds a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and Sociology from Carson-Newman College (1989) and a Master of Divinity in Psychology and Counseling from New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary (1995), and is a Certified Master ART Practitioner since 2023. This content is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional diagnosis or treatment. Verify my license here: https://internet.health.tn.gov/Licensure/

References

Buck, H. G., Cairns, P., Emechebe, N., Hernandez, D. F., Mason, T. M., Bell, J., Kip, K. E., Barrison, P., & Tofthagen, C. (2020). Accelerated resolution therapy: Randomized controlled trial of a complicated grief intervention. American Journal of Hospice and Palliative Medicine, 37(10), 791-799. https://doi.org/10.1177/1049909119900641

English Standard Version Bible. (2001). Crossway Bibles. https://www.esv.org

Kip, K. E., Rosenzweig, L., Hernandez, D. F., Shuman, A., Sullivan, K. L., Long, C. J., Taylor, J., McGhee, S., Girling, S. A., Wittenberg, T., Sahebzamani, F. M., Lengacher, C. A., Kadel, R., & Diamond, D. M. (2013). Randomized controlled trial of accelerated resolution therapy (ART) for symptoms of combat-related post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Military Medicine, 178(12), 1298-1309. https://doi.org/10.7205/MILMED-D-13-00298