You know the phrase. Is it "This time of year," or is it "That time of year?" With no audio, you can still hear it in the tone of the words. Two tiny letters of the alphabet, and the entire mood changes. How quickly our moods can change when the reality of the hurt we feel hits hard. Maybe you long for that loved one's voice. Maybe you can't shake the shudder when you think about how you used to hide from your drunk parent. Oh, no, it's that time of year.

You know it. The sky is dark and rainy, and all you can think about is the loved one who isn't here. You close your eyes and are transported to the moment you got the news. Maybe the sun is shining outside, and it is unusually warm and pleasant, but still, all you can think about is that phone call or that awful event. The thing is, this time of year doesn't have to be that time of year. You can heal.

Maybe your memory isn't of a lost loved one. Maybe the holidays were nightmares in your home. That time of year when the world looks like it's celebrating, but inside you're dying. You wish you could get rid of the images of those days when nothing good ever happened. Those days when, as a child, all you knew to do was hide. You, too, can get relief from those awful images, the memories that haunt you at that time of year.

I get it, you think healing is not possible, and life will never be what you want it to be. Sometimes the memories are of horrific childhood events that you just can't shake. You don't just close your eyes and see that little girl or boy struggling and alone in the middle of the night. That young child you remember may have been terrified, but still thought what was happening was normal.

I can't tell you how many times someone has sat in my office and melted with tears as they told me of the loss of a loved one or a tragic event that changed their lives forever. Until about three years ago, all I could do was listen, understand, and help you figure out the signals telling you that you were heading down that rabbit hole again. I would look for the things that opened the door to that rabbit hole and give you the word "triggers." We would relentlessly chase coping skills so you could handle your emotions. Together we would work to turn that time of year into this time of year while we prayed for healing and relief.

We often think that those strong feelings are wrong or sinful. They are not. Jesus felt those same strong feelings. He even told the disciples, "My soul is very sorrowful, even to death" (Matthew 26:38, ESV), in the Garden of Gethsemane just before He was taken to be crucified. Jesus cried when Lazarus died (John 11:35, ESV). He cried knowing He was going to tell Lazarus to get up and walk out of that grave. Your strong emotions are not wrong. You have been carrying them a really long time though, and it is time to let them go. We have a new way to make the changes easier and lasting.

I still use the same talk therapy that I did three years ago, but I have added something to it. There is a way to release those emotions and to enjoy this time of year. You can feel the joy of these holidays and feel hope for the future.

Now, I have a better tool. That tool, developed by Laney Rosenzweig, MS, LMFT, is called Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART). Laney tells the whole story of how ART came to be, and how it has helped people from all walks of life, in her book (Rosenzweig & Shuman, 2022). In a randomized trial with veterans, ART reduced symptoms of PTSD, depression, and anxiety in about four sessions (Kip et al., 2013). It is not just for combat trauma, either. In a study of grieving older adults, four sessions of ART sharply cut their grief, along with PTSD and depression (Buck et al., 2020).

Stated plainly, ART helps, and it helps fast. You may feel as if a miraculous change has been made. I use a hitch alignment tool, an expandable metal stick with a ball on the end, to help people move their eyes. I give you weird instructions, and you decide what changes you want to make. That ball on a stick has been called many things, including a miracle ball and a blessing ball. I have not found a more effective treatment for complicated grief, depression, anxiety, PTSD, and many other problems. I frequently tell people, "You did the work; I just waved a ball in front of your face and said weird stuff."

I admit, I get a rush when I see your body relax and ten years drop from your face as you let go of the death grip pain has on your body. Schedule an appointment. Let me help. I am Vickie, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Maryville, TN, and I help people from Knoxville and the surrounding communities find a counselor and heal from trauma and the hard things life has handed them. I can help you. Click the link at the top of the page and schedule a time so we can talk.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it a sin to feel grief, anger, or deep sorrow?

No. Your strong emotions are not wrong. Jesus Himself felt them. He was sorrowful "even to death" in the garden (Matthew 26:38, ESV), and He wept at the death of His friend Lazarus (John 11:35, ESV). Feeling deeply is human, and it is not a failure of faith.

Can therapy really help with grief during the holidays?

Yes. You do not have to white-knuckle your way through another season. With talk therapy and Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART), many people find that the images and memories haunting them begin to loosen their grip, so they can feel joy and hope again.

Crisis Resource

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or go to your nearest emergency room. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. If you or someone you love is experiencing domestic violence, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.

Clinical Content Disclaimer

All clinical content on this website is written or reviewed by Vickie Starkey, LMFT, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Tennessee since 2005 (License #579). Vickie holds a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and Sociology from Carson-Newman College (1989) and a Master of Divinity in Psychology and Counseling from New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary (1995), and is a Certified Master ART Practitioner since 2023. This content is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional diagnosis or treatment. Verify my license here: https://internet.health.tn.gov/Licensure/

References

Buck, H. G., Cairns, P., Emechebe, N., Hernandez, D. F., Mason, T. M., Bell, J., Kip, K. E., Barrison, P., & Tofthagen, C. (2020). Accelerated resolution therapy: Randomized controlled trial of a complicated grief intervention. American Journal of Hospice and Palliative Medicine, 37(10), 791-799. https://doi.org/10.1177/1049909119900641

English Standard Version Bible. (2001). Crossway Bibles. https://www.esv.org

Kip, K. E., Rosenzweig, L., Hernandez, D. F., Shuman, A., Sullivan, K. L., Long, C. J., Taylor, J., McGhee, S., Girling, S. A., Wittenberg, T., Sahebzamani, F. M., Lengacher, C. A., Kadel, R., & Diamond, D. M. (2013). Randomized controlled trial of accelerated resolution therapy (ART) for symptoms of combat-related post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Military Medicine, 178(12), 1298-1309. https://doi.org/10.7205/MILMED-D-13-00298

Rosenzweig, L., & Shuman, A. (2022). Too good to be true? Accelerated resolution therapy. Archway Publishing.