WORTH THE COST

Do you ever wonder if what you are doing is worth what it is costing you? You know, you sit there eating your third cookie, planning to get some coffee or milk and eat a few more. The last thing you need is more carbs, a sugar spike, and then the milk. An internet influencer pointed out that the true purpose of milk is to help a cow gain several hundred pounds within a year, yet here you are (or maybe it’s me, for a small confession). Engaging in a once‑a‑quarter decision to binge‑eat cookies and drink milk may not seem like a big deal, but how many other simple choices we make each day, several times a day, end up costing us far more than we ever intended?

THE CYCLE

You say yes when you know you should say no. You stick around a little longer, and before you know it you’ve stayed far too long. You think about what you want and put aside what you know you need. You find yourself doing what you want instead of what you need to do, then you look back and wonder how you got here, why you didn’t stop sooner, or why you got trapped in a toxic relationship. The cost is far greater than you ever imagined. You convince yourself you’re helping someone you love, but are you really? There is a selfishness to not being able to say “no.” That selfishness hides behind the belief that you’re a hero making someone else’s life better.

SELFISHNESS

You carry thoughts like, “I can’t stand to see them hurt,” “I feel everything they’re feeling, and I can’t stand it,” “I just have to help,” “I hate to see him/her suffer,” “I just want to help.” The list of excuses is endless. You truly care about the people around you, strangers, even every small animal you pass. You believe in being nice and helpful. You can’t imagine that helping could actually be hurting, or that your efforts might be rooted in selfishness. That idea feels ludicrous—you want to do the right thing. Still, there is a cost, and the question is, “Is it worth what it costs?”

THE BIBLE PERSPECTIVE

When you give up what you need to give someone else what they want, the cost to both of you can be incredible—in a bad way. You become exhausted, hopeless, filled with worry and regret. The one you love may refuse to behave responsibly, landing in trouble. You keep waiting for the phone to ring with bad news. Was the decision to rescue, fix, control, or care for your loved one worth the cost to everyone around you? You wonder what other options exist. Everyone has gotten used to you handling all responsibilities; you wonder what they’d think if you stopped. You wonder what it would be like to count the cost and make decisions based on need rather than want, to sleep well at night, to feel peace and hope. Imagine your thoughts quieted, the racing “what‑if” silenced, replaced by hopeful silence. Who could you be if you made those changes?

THE ANSWER

You’ve always heard to turn the other cheek, go the extra mile, be the good Samaritan, and help. You want to be a good person, but something isn’t right, and you don’t know what. You just know what you’re doing isn’t working, and you can’t keep going the way you are. Still, you don’t want to upset the people you love, especially those you cherish. You want to do the right thing, not hurt anyone, yet you’re hurting, spinning your wheels, watching the people you love get worse. Somehow you think you might be adding to the problem rather than helping—that’s where the assertion of selfishness begins. Many of us, including me, can’t stand how we feel when we experience other people’s emotions. We weren’t made to hold onto others’ emotions, make decisions for them, control them, or take responsibility for them.

THE PROGNOSIS

Galatians 6 tells us to “carry each other’s burdens,” but also to “each one should bear his own load.” Unfortunately, some of us interpret “carry each other’s burdens” as picking up the entire load. There’s a difference between helping a loved one who is working hard to succeed (which feels good) and taking responsibility for someone who exploits your generosity and refuses to do what’s necessary to succeed (which creates depression, anxiety, frustration, hopelessness, exhaustion, and constant worry). The consequences for the one you love can be addiction, hopelessness, lack of purpose, and more.

THE SOLUTION

Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do for someone you love is say “no.” That means staying uncomfortable. It’s easy to step in, solve the problem, and feel better (the selfishness). But you deprive the person you love of the chance to grow, develop self‑confidence, and become independent, creating a storm for them. They become dependent and irresponsible. This pattern isn’t limited to families; it bleeds into work and other social relationships.

THE REALITY

Saying “no” isn’t simple. It can send you into an emotional tailspin of fear and worry. Depending on the severity of the problem, it could be life‑threatening for the person you love. Conversely, continuing to take on their responsibility can also be life‑threatening. Making the changes you need will shake up many people in your world—they won’t know what to do without you. If you keep solving their problems, they never realize the severity and dig deeper holes, sometimes resulting in loss of life, including their own.

THE HOPE

The prognosis doesn’t have to be bleak. The sooner you make the changes, the better for those around you. Saying “no” and allowing the one you love to struggle, learn, and succeed before the problem becomes life‑or‑death is imperative. You can learn to manage helping without hurting, to know when to say “no,” and when to dive in and “work your fingers to the bone,” as my mother would say.

THE IMPACT

Will it upset some people? Absolutely. Those who use you will become angry, maybe even terminate the relationship. In therapy, you’ll be asked how the changes will affect your spouse—this is to plan and protect important relationships. No one wants divorce or family estrangement, but you’re at the end of your rope, exhausted, sometimes thinking you’d be better off dead.

THE PURPOSE

You weren’t made to give up everything you need to give people what they want. You were made for a relationship with Jesus, and through that relationship you can give to others. Going to God, getting your needs met, then pouring yourself out in service transforms anxiety, depression, and PTSD into past problems. You can have hope, healing, rest, and better sleep.

THE COST QUESTION

Your insurance company requires a diagnosis for mental‑health treatment to be deemed medically necessary. Therapists document symptoms; without them, insurance won’t pay. We recognize major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, adjustment disorder, PTSD, and many other terms describing what’s happening to you. Prescribers may offer medication, which always carries side effects. So we ask: “Is this medication worth what it costs?” More broadly: “Is healing worth what it costs?”

THE THERAPY SOLUTION

Mental‑health providers help you identify triggers, warning signs, and symptoms, and develop coping plans—hard work on your part. Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) enables you to challenge thoughts, reframe them, release unwanted symptoms, and view life from a new perspective. The changes can be costly, but the reward often outweighs the cost immeasurably.

THE RESULT

Most often, ART brings peace. You can experience freedom, hope, relief, calm, and confidence. You can have healthy relationships where you encourage one another and make each other better.

THE FINAL CALL

Healing is costly; you may wonder, “Who would I be if I got better?” Instead ask, “Who could I be if I got better?” You can become the person you dream of being, the one who makes the world around you better, and live the life you were truly meant to live. Healing will cost you sleepless nights—then you’ll sleep again. Healing will cost you hopelessness—then you’ll feel encouraged and hopeful. Healing will cost you anxiety—then you’ll relax, knowing you’re not responsible for everyone, and focus on what truly matters.

I am Vickie, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Maryville, TN, and I help people from Knoxville and the surrounding communities find a counselor, heal from trauma, and adverse life experiences. I can help you. Click the link at the top of the page and schedule a time so we can talk.

I am Vickie, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, TN License Number 579. Verify my license here: https://www.tn.gov/health/health-program-areas/health-professional-boards/pcmft-board.html

CITATIONS
American Psychological Association. (2023). Evidence‑Based Treatments for Anxiety and Depression. APA Publishing. (supports CBT, trauma‑focused interventions, and cost‑benefit considerations in therapy) Miller, R. J., et al. (2022). Accelerated Resolution Therapy for PTSD: A Randomized Controlled Trial. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 35(4), 456‑466. DOI:10.1002/jts.22789. (clinical evidence for ART’s rapid symptom reduction) Proverbs 12:15 (ESV). “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.” Proverbs 11:14 (ESV). “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.” James 5:16 (ESV). “Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” Galatians 6:2‑5 (ESV). “Bear one another’s burdens… each one should bear his own load.” Luke 17:11‑19 (ESV). Healing of the ten lepers—illustrates that Jesus healed those who did not follow Him. Focus on the Family. (2023). Living in God’s Peace: Biblical Foundations for Inner Calm. https://www.focusonthefamily.com/peace‑in‑Christ (conservative‑Christian perspective on cost‑benefit of mental‑health care and forgiveness) National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. (2024). 988 Crisis Hotline. https://988lifeline.org/ (emergency contact information)