No, you don’t have to tell anyone you are in therapy. However, you may want to tell someone that you trust. There are people in your church who can be supportive and helpful. There are people in your church who can provide accountability for you and your therapist. I believe all are necessary. That being said, you need to use wisdom as you make your decisions about who you tell.

One of my favorite scriptures goes like this: “Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:16, ESV). Jesus said it, and we need to pay attention to it.

In my younger years, I liked to use that verse to justify half-truths and getting my way. I can justify almost anything and try to make it look right when it is wrong. I try hard not to do that anymore because that is not what the verse means. It is about recognizing the presence of the enemy and using wisdom to protect yourself without causing harm.

Using wisdom with an innocent heart is necessary in every area of your life. That wisdom is especially important when you decide to follow the Bible’s direction to share your hard times with someone. “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2, ESV). This verse tells us that we should trust others with our problems. We should be careful about how we go about it.

What does the Bible say about who you tell?

We are told in the Bible that we need help from more than one source. “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14, ESV). I need to be held accountable and be questioned by other followers of Jesus. You need that as well. I have been told that finding a therapist who is deeply committed to following Jesus is difficult. Even if you find that therapist, there will be mistakes. You need a couple of people paying attention, making sure your needs are being met.

Do you have to tell your church everything?

Deciding who you tell about therapy matters, and you get to decide how much you tell. I have seen clients from both ends of the spectrum. One shows up in Bible Study and talks about therapy and how much it helps all of the time. Another ducks in shame or hides behind a wall at the mere thought of someone finding out about therapy.

Are there people at church you should not tell?

There are wolves in sheep’s clothing in the church. I believe you have to be extremely careful when you think about how much you share. We have a saying in our small group. I think it is pretty common, but we mean it. What is said in small group stays in small group. We don’t share! Not even with our husbands.

The support and encouragement I have found with these women is real and deep. They are also there because they are struggling to maintain the faith and follow Jesus. We talk about our struggles with anxiety, depression, and loving our family too much. Most of the time, that support is what you can find in church. I spent my entire life in church, and yes, there are occasions when people’s pride or selfishness takes over.

I remember a long time ago. I was visiting a church considering attending it long term. I started participating and working with the high school girls and was enjoying it. I wasn’t in charge. I just showed up to help. After a few months, someone I understood to be in charge asked me to take over a leadership position with the girls.

Flattered, I accepted. When I got to the church the next week, I quickly learned that people were angry with me. I didn’t understand. I didn’t know why. I hadn’t done anything wrong. Later I learned that there was someone else who wanted that position. There were two factions, the Vickie team and the not Vickie team.

I didn’t stick around to see which team won. I didn’t like the terrible things that had been said about me. I was much younger than I am now. I had the privilege of growing up in a church determined to mentor and teach me to lead the next generation. It was several years before I was willing to consider a leadership position in a different church.

Is church hurt real?

Church hurt is real. We like to think that if we go to church, we will be surrounded by good people. Unfortunately, sometimes it is the exact opposite that is true. Jesus said it well when He said that He did not come for those who are healthy, but for those who are sick. “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners” (Mark 2:17, ESV).

Church is a place where spiritually sick people show up hoping to get better. We have to be able to discern who is struggling with what problem and steer clear of the people who are there causing harm. We don’t just need to protect ourselves from them; it is important that we pray for them and that we pray that we don’t fall to that same temptation.

Just like in a regular hospital, you will meet people with many different types of illness. Church is no different. There are people there who struggle with the sin of gossiping. There are people there who struggle with being harsh, cruel, and judgmental. You should not tell those people any of your business.

How do you know who can hold a confidence?

Think about that kind person sitting quietly in the pew. She knows that she struggles with sin and believes, like Paul, that she is the worst sinner who ever lived. That lady, or man, would never say or do anything to embarrass or humiliate you. She would pray for you and encourage you. That’s the person you tell. That’s the person you ask to pray for you. That’s the person you ask for accountability.

You want someone questioning if your treatment is aligned with Scripture. Someone who believes Paul when he told Timothy to take a little wine for his stomach (1 Timothy 5:23, ESV). Someone who understands that brains get sick too. You want someone helping you make the healthiest decisions you can about your life.

What if you have already given up on church?

I sit here writing this, fully knowing that some have decided to stop looking for support from church altogether. It breaks my heart that the sin of a few can have such great impact. I’ve spent my lifetime attending church. I’ve never stopped for more than a few months, and the good outweighs the bad a million to one.

I remember as a teenager, quietly talking with adults who cared for me and listened to me. When I was struggling and didn’t know what to do with myself, they showed up.

My brother is a little older than me. He graduated high school and joined the Air Force. He moved out and left me there alone. The impact of my best friend moving away was far more than I could ever have imagined. He is still my best friend to this day, and “my” website would not exist without him. I should call it his website.

Still, for a long time, life was hard. Church people showed up for me. Some were at my public high school. Some were at my church every time the doors were open with me. Life would have been much harder for me if those church people had not been there for me.

There have been countless other times when Believers showed up. When I was encouraged and given hope. Maybe the experience from being younger made it easier to show back up after the chaos of that divided church. I don’t know. What I do know is that allowing the sins of a few wolves in sheep’s clothing to stop you from looking for support is unwise and not what God wants from us. Please, don’t let a few wolves in sheep’s clothing stop you from finding support from God’s people.

You don’t have to tell anyone anything about you. You should find someone to share with and tell some things about you. You definitely should be picky about who you tell.

Why does a prayer request stop being private?

I’ve been in the class or small group where Sally Nosey-Body leans in and shares far too many details about her “friend” or “neighbor” and their problem. She whispers it, explains that she was told the information in confidence, and please don’t repeat it, but just pray for them. I call it a gossip request, not a prayer request. Sally Nosey-Body is not your friend. She is not someone you want to tell about therapy.

Sadly, sometimes Sally Nosey-Body is a church leader. When you find yourself in that position, you pray for the church and for her. Maybe you confront it, or maybe you do what I did and just quietly find a different church. What you should not do is decide to leave God because one of His children is struggling in a way that hurts other people. Instead, look for people who are genuinely seeking God and who recognize they are not perfect either.

Why tell anyone at all?

We are told in Scripture to bear one another’s burdens. It isn’t one of the Ten Commandments, but it is written explicitly in Galatians 6:2. We were created to need each other, and sometimes that means telling someone you see a therapist.

Jesus surrounded Himself with a few best friends. He leaned on them for emotional support. “And he took with him Peter and James and John, and began to be greatly distressed and troubled. And he said to them, ‘My soul is very sorrowful, even to death. Remain here and watch’” (Mark 14:33-34, ESV). His friends made plenty of mistakes. Your friends will make plenty of mistakes too.

Keep reading. Jesus was feeling so much pressure that death was a thought in His mind. He felt the crushing weight of His impending death. What did His friends do? They took a nap. “And he came and found them sleeping, and he said to Peter, ‘Simon, are you asleep? Could you not watch one hour? Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.’ And again he went away and prayed, saying the same words. And again he came and found them sleeping, for their eyes were very heavy, and they did not know what to answer him. And he came the third time and said to them, ‘Are you still sleeping and taking your rest? It is enough; the hour has come. The Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners.’” (Mark 14:37-41, ESV).

Not once, but three times. Jesus still called them His friends. He still loved them, and He still forgave them.

It is important that you use discretion when you share. Always keep in mind we are all imperfect people needing acceptance, love, and forgiveness. Choose wisely, love deeply, and forgive often.

I tell my clients where I go to church (Foothills in Maryville, TN) and assure them that I will act as if I don’t know them unless they speak to me first. I do this to protect their privacy. I believe what I am telling you, and I show up for worship and for support from others. My small group knows when I struggle. You need the support of your church when you are struggling. Be careful as you do it, but share with hope and let God heal your heart.

I am Vickie, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I know that bad stuff happens in life, and I love helping people heal. I love watching people grow and become the person God meant for them to be. I see people face to face in Maryville, TN. If you live in Maryville, Knoxville, or a surrounding area, click the button and schedule a talk so we can decide if I can help you.

Frequently Asked Questions

Should I tell my pastor I am in therapy?

The answer genuinely depends on your relationship with your pastor. I have heard pastors celebrate the help they received with therapy from the pulpit. I have heard pastors disparage therapy. You need to ask yourself a few questions before you decide. Do you find your pastor supportive of your growth as a person and as a follower of Jesus? Has your pastor proven to be trustworthy over time? Will your pastor pray for you or will he issue gossip requests to others? If your pastor is supportive, trustworthy, protects your privacy, and you want to tell, then go ahead. I believe it is more important that you share in a trusted small group where you can have routine conversations to ensure you are getting what you need from your therapist.

Can my therapist tell anyone I am in therapy?

No, your therapist cannot legally tell anyone you are in therapy without your permission. There are rare exceptions, mostly safety-related; you can read more on my FAQ page. Your therapist is so protective of your privacy that she should ignore you if there is an incidental public encounter. She isn’t being rude, she is protecting your privacy. I never approach a client in public, including at church. They often approach me, and that is acceptable.

What do I say when someone asks why I am seeing a counselor?

“Because I want to be a better person tomorrow than I was yesterday” is a good go-to response. You don’t need to tell every detail of your life to anyone, especially someone so curious.

Most of us are too busy being people pleasers to tell people that it is none of their business. So, we want to soften it and answer with something kind, something truthful, and something that maintains your privacy. You may also say something along the lines of, “It helps me be a better follower of Jesus.” Some people choose something like, “Therapy helps me put life into perspective.”

Is it a sin to keep therapy private?

It is not a sin to keep therapy private. You should keep therapy private. It is wrong to choose to disconnect yourself. Just like many senior adults become homebound because of their health, you may struggle. That’s different from making an active choice to avoid gathering with other believers. You can show up to worship and grow without airing all of your dirty laundry to everyone.

Crisis Resources

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or go to your nearest emergency room. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

Disclaimer

All content is written or reviewed by Vickie Starkey, MDiv, LMFT, and is intended for educational purposes only. It should not be used for evaluation, treatment, or replacement of your provider's recommendations.

Vickie Starkey has been a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Tennessee since 2005, License Number 579. She graduated from New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary in 1995 with a Master of Divinity in Psychology and Counseling. She graduated from Carson-Newman College in Jefferson City, Tennessee in 1989 with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and Sociology. Vickie has been a Certified Master ART Practitioner since 2023. Verify my license here: https://internet.health.tn.gov/Licensure/

AI Disclosure

These posts, summaries, and FAQ answers are written by Vickie Starkey, MDiv, LMFT. AI is used to edit grammar, generate and suggest titles and section headings, generate questions for the FAQ, and help apply APA-formatted citations. Vickie also uses AI to flag potential clinical misstatements, allowing her to evaluate and correct as needed.

References

The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. (2001). Crossway.