Yes, healthy boundaries are very important for you to honor your mom. Setting boundaries does not mean going “no contact” as many have done. The way you honor your mom is by respecting her and understanding the difference between her responsibilities and yours.
What is a boundary, really?
Boundaries are the act of teaching your mom and everyone else how to treat you while maintaining respect and compassion for them. You need to find a kind way to hurt people’s feelings.
Why does your relationship with your mom keep changing?
Your relationship with your mom keeps changing because you both are changing as you age. While you are reaching your peak in adulthood, your mom is reaching a decline, and she needs you. The need to care for your mom changes over time, and it takes decades. Figuring out how to manage the changes is not easy. She cares for you first. Then you become equal, independent adults. Over time the relationship gradually transitions and you become an adult caring for another more vulnerable adult.
That transition is not easy for either of you. As the transition happens, you need to take care of your needs, not wants. Then you need to take care of the family that you have created. The hard balance after prioritizing you and your family is meeting your mom’s needs, sometimes by engaging the help of others.
Deciding how to manage the needs of your entire family is not easy. Those decisions begin with recognizing your responsibility. Within families everyone has a role, even adult children; think about your own “black sheep,” caregiver, historian, rebel and workaholic. These roles are not bad or good. They simply develop as your family adapts and grows. Needs change over time and you learn to meet those needs as you grow. Patterns develop. You want to keep the healthy relationship patterns and let go of the unhealthy ones. Therefore, the workaholic may need to take a day off to help with your mom.
Where does the Bible put your mom in your priorities?
Scripture does not point to your mom as your top priority. There is a picture threaded through Scripture that I believe can help you set the boundaries you need with your mom.
I think about seemingly contradictory Scripture. Genesis tells the man to leave his father and mother and “hold fast” to his wife becoming one flesh (Genesis 2:24, ESV). Teaching that the family you create takes priority over the family that created you. Even if you are an adult who has not married, you still build a life apart from your parents. You prepare and plan for your future while keeping a relationship with your mom.
Exodus holds the Ten Commandments, one of which is children honor your parents (Exodus 20:12, ESV). You can honor your mom without making her more important than your spouse or children. You show her honor and respect by maintaining a positive healthy relationship while making your created family a priority. She may not like your decision to attend your child’s baseball game over her dinner party. It is OK to prioritize your child’s baseball game.
Ephesians throws a good wrinkle into the mix. Paul says “Children, obey your parents in the Lord” (Ephesians 6:1, ESV). The words of a teacher I had some years ago were, “it doesn’t say obey your parents until you are 18.” There is a time when you transition from literal specific obedience as a child and then to what I want to call honoring obedience as an adult.
If I am at my mom’s house and she asks me to carry in the groceries or vacuum the floor for her, I am going to do it. I still honor her as my mother. If my mom tells me to beat my child with a stick, I am not going to do that. I will be kind and respectful as I refuse. Understanding that this command does not contradict Genesis is important. Jesus gave us an example of honoring obedience.
Did Jesus obey His mother?
Yes, when Jesus performed the miracle of turning water into wine, He did it because His mother pointed out that they were out of wine (John 2:1-11, ESV). I think she was asking Jesus to do something about the lack of wine. He respectfully reminded her that it was not quite time for Him to reveal Himself. Jesus was God then and He is God now. He was free to decide how He would respond. I don’t think He was surprised by her request. He chose to honor His mother by creating the wine.
I don’t see those Scriptures as contradictory at all. I believe they teach an important hierarchy. Your first responsibility is to God. Jesus demonstrated this during His life by often going off alone to pray (Luke 5:16, ESV). His human side prioritized God and obedience to God.
Jesus even makes a bold statement I interpret to be that you need to have so much love for God that your love for your mom, dad, spouse and children should look like hatred (Luke 14:26, ESV). Jesus sets a clear structure telling you how to determine what is important.
Sometimes when her need is great, you too should make a sacrifice to honor your mom. For example, she is in the hospital, but your child has a baseball game. You may need to skip the game to be there for your mom. However, when your mom is asking you to do or say something that is the opposite of what the Bible teaches, choose God over your mom (Acts 5:29, ESV). You do that by setting a boundary that likely includes the word no. She may get upset with you. Unfortunately that happens. Your mom’s emotions are her responsibility, not yours.
Do boundaries look different if you are single?
Boundaries may be slightly different if you are single, but not much. The hierarchy holds, regardless of marital status. You are responsible for yourself. Single or married, you have a responsibility to honor God first and follow Him. You get to set boundaries, whether you marry and create a family or not.
Someone once told me that she thought life was easier for people who are single than for people who are married. I believe that many assumptions are made that the single person has more availability to cater to her mom.
I chose to disagree with that person who thought my life was easier. I will keep the rant here short. I was single at the time. I was working two jobs to pay rent and attending school. Life was lonely and hard. People who have created families of their own often lose their perspective of what it is like to be single. You get to set boundaries and care for your mom after your needs are met and not before. You too are in the position of working to please God, not other people (Galatians 1:10, ESV). Don’t forget that.
Once you marry, you are responsible to your spouse and then your children before you are responsible for your parents. Notice that subtle word difference? You have a strong responsibility TO your spouse and children. You need to meet that responsibility before you pick up responsibility FOR your mom.
What if your mom wants your family to look like her dream?
You don’t have to match your mom’s idea of a perfect family. That was her dream, not yours. Your mom may have her idea of what your family should look or be like. She may say and do things in an effort to force you to make your family look like her dream. You and your created family are the only ones who know what you need. Your mom may offer incredible advice and insight, but you make the decisions with your created family.
You and your spouse together know what your children need. You get to decide how to structure your family and discipline your children. Sometimes it means asking your mom to stop doing certain things. Sometimes it means trusting your mom when your kids are with her and accepting the differences. Only you know your tolerance level.
How do you set a boundary when she interferes?
You find a kind way to say no to your mom. Remember that within the family, everyone has responsibility, even adult children. That responsibility is important. When your mom, out of love, starts interfering with your relationship with your spouse or your children, you need a solid rule for protecting every relationship. Deciding upon those rules can be difficult and may need to happen before the problem arrives.
You may need to say something like “I have to go now, Mom, I love you, bye,” when she starts badmouthing your spouse, children, dad or sibling. Stopping that conversation before it gets going is helpful for you and everyone else in your family, including her.
Your mom may need a close friend she can trust to share her feelings with, but finding that relationship is your mom’s responsibility, unless there are extenuating circumstances. For example, an elderly homebound parent may need help traveling to church or a senior center.
Some changes to build better boundaries are more difficult than others. Setting a boundary may involve more than cutting a phone call short and respectfully ending the conversation.
You may find yourself face to face with your mom and realize emotions are getting out of control. You are starting to raise your voice and she is starting to raise hers. You may need to leave at the first hint that tension starts to build. Setting that boundary and leaving before you fly off the handle and say things you regret is honoring to your mom. Leaving before she says things she may regret is also honoring to her. You should walk away.
How much grace does your mom need?
Your mom may need a lot of forgiveness and grace. I think about a couple several years ago. They didn’t want their children to have sugar. The grandmother didn’t understand the depth of their determination. She also didn’t understand that fruit was a source of sugar. She didn’t give the kids candy. She gave them apples and oranges. The couple cut the grandmother out of the children’s lives.
This was devastating for the children. Grandparents offer a unique relationship for children, so your mom needs some grace. Make sure you are being reasonable with her as you consider those boundaries. Your children probably won’t develop diabetes eating fruit with their grandparent. Think about the lifelong consequences of your decision, not your frustration today.
My client, who permitted me to quote her, described her family one day. She called them “my terrible perfect family.” You have a terrible perfect family also. Emotions get messy with family and sometimes chaos reigns. Often, you need to allow the chaos because that terrible perfect chaos trumps the pain of lost loved ones.
Set boundaries, but hold on to your family for dear life. Teach your children to do the same. They will follow your example as they grow into adulthood. Recognizing the difference between the chaos of a terrible perfect family and someone causing irreparable harm is vital to your boundaries.
Is it ever right to cut off contact with your mom?
Rarely, cutting off contact should only be done in the most dire of situations. Your mom is a vital part of your life and your children’s lives. However, there are times when it may be necessary to completely terminate a relationship. You need healthy boundaries, and only under life-threatening, dire circumstances should you completely cut off contact with your mom.
You may have to allow the children to visit your mom with supervision or only interact on holidays to remain healthy. Sometimes, your mom is so unwilling to refrain from constant verbal abuse that you can’t even meet for dinner. I believe that level of toxicity in relationships is rare, but it does exist.
What changes as your mom gets older?
Honoring your mom as you raise your family looks different as she ages. Understanding and caring for her during this change is only one piece of the puzzle. The transition of your role with your mom does happen over decades. You may not fully be in that caregiver role just yet.
You take care of things that are your responsibility and allow her to take care of things that are her responsibility. Then, you work together to accomplish your goals. You help her with the things that are difficult for her but easier for you. You allow her to help you with things that are harder for you, but easier for her. For example, build that ramp so she doesn’t fall down the steps. Then allow her to watch your children so you can spend time with God or go to work.
You may need to get up in the middle of the night and drive her to the hospital and go to work the next morning while managing your role as an adult child. You do become more aware of your mom’s needs as she ages, and she does need your intervention.
I think about my sister-in-law whose mother is in a rehab facility. My sister-in-law works almost full time as a substitute teacher. She shows up at her mother’s rehab every day and when her mother’s needs are not met, my sister-in-law advocates for her mother. She does this with respect and kindness, and she does it because she knows her mother can’t do that for herself anymore.
Understanding that she could not care for her mother’s physical needs 24/7 and care for her teenage boys and her husband while working almost full time was heartbreaking for her. She wanted to do it all, but God did not call her to do all of that.
Where do you start?
You start with kind truthfulness rather than nice lying. You carry a heaping load of grace and forgiveness for her imperfections, because she has given that to you your entire life. She isn’t going to be perfect, no parent is.
Setting boundaries with your mom is imperative. That doesn’t mean you won’t upset her. She may have to learn the boundaries. The boundaries you set need to be very healthy.
You need to be careful and establish boundaries in a way that ensures you and your mom are speaking the same language. Make sure your mom understands. Confusion in communication is the enemy of healthy boundaries. Setting boundaries with your mom is not the same thing as cutting your mom off.
You love your mom and you want the best possible relationship with her. You may feel like life is heating up as she interferes with the family you created. You may feel overwhelmed as her need for care becomes more than any human being can provide. Both problems are a real crisis of need. The time to get help is now.
I am Vickie, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I know that bad stuff happens in life, and I love helping people heal. I love watching people grow and become the person God meant for them to be. I see people face to face in Maryville, TN. If you live in Maryville, Knoxville, or a surrounding area, click the button and schedule a talk so we can decide if I can help you.
Frequently Asked Questions
What do I do when my mom guilt trips me?
You find a kind way to tell her the truth and remain firm with your answer to her. You don’t have to feel guilty when you set a healthy boundary with your mom. Remember, you are not responsible for her emotions.
What if my mom won’t respect my boundaries?
Boundaries are about what you do, not how your mom responds. You end the phone call. You walk away. You say “no.” You supervise the interaction with the children. Notice, the behavior is yours, not your mom’s.
How do I set a boundary with my mom without hurting her feelings?
You may not be able to set a boundary with your mom without hurting her feelings. You are responsible for the kindness and gentleness you use as you communicate the boundary. Sometimes you may feel forced to communicate bluntly. Kindness should still be your priority. Her feelings are her responsibility.
Is it a sin to set boundaries with my mom?
No, a lack of boundaries creates things such as dishonesty, conflict and anger, and those are sin. Hurting your mom’s feelings a little is preferable to a stronger, more painful emotional injury. Lacking boundaries leaves you and everyone you love vulnerable to harm. You cannot have a healthy relationship without healthy boundaries.
Crisis Resources
If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or go to your nearest emergency room. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
If you or someone you love is experiencing domestic violence, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.
Disclaimer
All content is written or reviewed by Vickie Starkey, MDiv, LMFT, and is intended for educational purposes only. It should not be used for evaluation, treatment, or replacement of your provider’s recommendations.
Vickie Starkey has been a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Tennessee since 2005, License Number 579. She graduated from New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary in 1995 with a Master of Divinity in Psychology and Counseling. She graduated from Carson-Newman College in Jefferson City, Tennessee in 1989 with a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and Sociology. Vickie has been a Certified Master ART Practitioner since 2023. Verify my license here: https://internet.health.tn.gov/Licensure/
AI Disclosure
These posts, summaries, and FAQ answers are written by Vickie Starkey, MDiv, LMFT. AI is used to edit grammar, generate and suggest titles and section headings, generate questions for the FAQ, and help apply APA-formatted citations. Vickie also uses AI to flag potential clinical misstatements, allowing her to evaluate and correct as needed.
References
The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. (2001). Crossway.
