Do you ever wonder if what you are doing is worth what it is costing you? You know, you sit there eating your third cookie, planning to get some coffee or milk and eat a few more, or maybe the whole bag. The last thing you need is more carbs, a sugar spike, and then the milk. An internet influencer pointed out that the true purpose of milk is to help a cow gain several hundred pounds within a year, yet here you are (or maybe here I am). Making a once-a-quarter decision to binge eat cookies and drink milk may not be such a big deal, but how many other simple choices we make each day, several times a day, end up costing us far more than we ever intended?
When did saying yes start costing you this much?
You know what I mean: you say yes when you know you should say no. You stick around a little longer when you probably should leave, and before you know it, you've stuck around far too long. You think about what you want and put aside what you know you need. You find yourself doing what you want to instead of what you need to, and then you look back. You wonder how you got here. You question why you didn't stop sooner or turn around.
You wonder how you managed to get yourself trapped in a toxic relationship. The cost is much greater than you ever could have imagined. You convince yourself that you are doing something to help someone else, someone you love, but are you really? There is a selfishness to not being able to say "no." That selfishness hides itself behind the false belief that you are helping. The selfishness is trapped behind the idea that you are or can be a hero and that you are making someone else's life better. You've seen it. The husband who waits on his wife hand and foot, only to watch her demand more and more. He looks exhausted. He still caters to her every whim.
You carry thoughts such as, "I can't stand to see them hurt." "I feel everything they are feeling, and I can't stand it." "I just have to help." "I hate to see him/her suffer like that." "I just want to help." The list of excuses is endless. You know that you truly care about the people around you, strangers, and even every small animal you pass. You believe in being nice and helpful. You feel compelled to do something to ease the suffering of those around you.
You can't imagine that helping could actually be hurting. It's impossible to believe that your efforts might be rooted in selfishness. That idea is ludicrous. You know, you want to do the right thing. You want to make others better. After all, it hurts to watch other people hurt. Still, there is a cost, and the question is, "Is it worth what it costs?"
When you decide to give up what you need to give someone else what they want, the cost to both of you can be incredible, not in a good way. You become exhausted. You feel hopeless. You find yourself filled with worry and regret. The one you love cannot, or refuses to, behave responsibly and gets in trouble. You keep waiting for the phone to ring with bad news, then you use your grocery money to bail them out. Was the decision to rescue, fix, control, or take care of your loved one worth what it cost everyone around you? You're thinking maybe it isn't.
You're wondering what other options you have. Everyone around you has gotten used to you handling all of the responsibilities. You wonder what they would think if you were to stop. You wonder what would happen if you were to start counting the cost and making decisions based on need rather than want. You wonder what it would be like to sleep well at night. You wonder what peace and hope feel like. Imagine the racing "what-if…" finally shutting up. Your thoughts quiet, or better yet, become hopeful. People sometimes fear change and wonder who they would be if they changed. My question is: Who COULD you be, if you made those changes? Think of the possibilities!
You have always heard that you should turn the other cheek, go the extra mile, be the good Samaritan, and help. You want to be a good person. You want to help. Something isn't quite right, and you don't know what it is. You just know that what you are doing is not working, and you can't keep going the way you are. You don't want to upset the people around you, especially the people you love. You want to do the right thing. You definitely don't want to hurt anyone. Yet, here you are, hurting, spinning your wheels, watching the people you love get worse and worse. Somehow, you think you might be adding to the problem. The selfishness starts to show itself.
Many of us, not just you, far too often, me too. We can't stand how we feel when we experience other people's emotions. We weren't made to hold on to other people's feelings, make decisions for them, control them, or take responsibility for them. There's something inside you. You don't know what it is. You can't let it go. You have to fix things and make them right. Then you do, and the results are disastrous.
What does the Bible actually say about carrying burdens?
The same chapter in the Bible that tells us to carry one another's burdens also says for each one to bear his own load (Galatians 6:2-5). Unfortunately, there are those of us who believe carrying one another's burdens means picking up the entire load. Would that be you? There is a difference between carrying the burdens of your loved ones and carrying their load. Helping someone who is working hard to succeed makes you feel good and encourages you. Taking over their responsibility exhausts you.
Taking responsibility for someone who is taking advantage of your generosity and refusing to do what is necessary to succeed is the problem. You end up feeling depressed, nervous, frustrated, hopeless, exhausted, and worried. Have you ever thought, "I'm about to have a nervous breakdown"? What happens to the one you love? They get lazy, hopeless, have no reason to work, get addicted, and the list goes on and on. You were not created to carry other people's responsibility.
Why is saying "no" sometimes the healthiest thing you can do?
Sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do for someone you love is tell them "no." Unfortunately, that means that you have to stay uncomfortable, too. It's easy to step in and do something to solve the problem and make yourself feel better (the selfishness). When you do that, you deprive the person you love of the opportunity to grow, develop self-confidence, and become independent. You create a thunderstorm for them. They become dependent and irresponsible.
Moms oftentimes are the worst. You don't want anything bad to happen to your baby, so you protect him from himself and he starts to self-destruct. You protect her from her mistakes, then she chooses someone who is controlling and abusive. Mom, you are not alone.
The problem of not being able to say "no" isn't just within personal relationships either. The pattern or habit bleeds into work, church, and other social relationships. So, your healing will also bleed new life into those relationships.
The answer, just say "no," is not nearly as simple as it sounds. Most of the time, it will send you into an emotional tailspin of fear and worry. Telling someone you love "no" is terrifying, and it could be life-threatening for you or the person you love.
Making the changes you need to make can and will shake up many people in your world. They won't know what to do with themselves or you. After all, you always take care of the problems, and now they don't know how. When you keep solving their problems for them, they never realize how bad it really is. They keep digging their holes deeper and deeper. Unfortunately, it can sometimes cause the loss of a life, if not lives, including their own.
Your life doesn't have to stay this way. The sooner you make the changes you need to make, the better for you and those around you. Saying "no" and allowing the one you love to struggle and sometimes fail matters. Think of the mother who awakens her adult son for work so he won't be late. Is his future wife going to do the same thing to get him to work? We hope not. His future wife certainly hopes not! The young man may need to fail a class to learn to set his alarm.
You can learn to help without hurting. You can learn when to tell someone "no" and when to dive in and "work your fingers to the bones," as my mother would say. My dad understood this. He knew not to let me play alone in the lake as a child, but he definitely let me fall into the creek after warning me a couple of times. I always fell in. We laugh about it to this day. Then, using his favorite Appalachian phrase, he'd say, "Well, doll baby, I reckon at'll learn ye." He didn't want to see me fall and was quick to pick me up and console me. However, he knew that if I didn't fall there, then I would never learn to be careful in the deeper water.
Will your newfound "NO" upset some people? Absolutely. The people who are using you and taking advantage of you will become incredibly angry with you. They may even cut you off. They may tell everyone you know that you are a horrible person. Would it be a bad thing if the people who are just taking advantage of you suddenly weren't? Don't forget, the people who love you know the truth. You will survive the smear campaign.
When you show up in therapy to talk about it, you will be asked specifically how the changes will affect your relationship with your spouse. I ask so we can work ahead, plan, and protect important relationships. No one wants to end up getting a divorce or walking away from family with no contact. The problem remains. You are at the end of your rope and desperate. You are exhausted and sometimes think you would be better off dead or worse. You know, what you are doing now is costing you everything.
What were you actually made for?
You were not made to give up everything you need to give people around you what they want. You were made for a relationship with Jesus, and through that relationship, you can give to other people. When you start going to God and depending on Him for your joy and happiness, it gets easier. You have what you need to be able to serve others. That combination of depending on God and giving does something amazing to how you feel. Anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress can become problems of the past. They loosen their grip when you make the changes you need. You can start to live again. You can have hope and healing. You can find rest and sleep better at night.
Is healing worth what it costs?
More often than not, yes. Healing may cost relationships. We established that. But I sit with clients several times a week who breathe deeply and say something like "My peace is worth everything." Healing brings peace. Yes, it costs. You have to work to tell people no. Some people get angry with you. Some people leave. However, you get to sit in your space without fear. You get to be your weird, awkward self and enjoy people who accept you as you are.
Therapists help you identify triggers. These are the things that make you think "I can't stand to see him hurt." They help you notice yourself pacing the floor as a warning sign that you are headed into trouble. They help you understand your symptoms and make a plan for what to do with them. That takes a lot of work on your part. Accelerated Resolution Therapy enables you to challenge your thoughts, reframe them, identify unwanted symptoms, release most of those symptoms, and learn to live life from a whole new perspective. In a randomized controlled trial with combat veterans, most saw significant reductions in symptoms of PTSD, depression, and anxiety after an average of fewer than four sessions of ART (Kip et al., 2013). Those changes can be costly, but more often than not, the reward outweighs the cost immeasurably.
What usually happens when you address your problem with Accelerated Resolution Therapy is peace. You can experience peace, freedom, hope, relief, calm, and confidence. You can have healthy relationships where you encourage one another and make the ones you love better while they make you better.
Who could you be if you got better?
You could become the person you have always dreamed of being, the one who makes the world around her better. Healing is costly, and you may think something like "Who would I be if I got better?" The question I recommend you ask instead is "Who COULD I be if I got better?" You can live your life the way you were truly meant to live it. Healing will cost you those sleepless nights; you will sleep again. Healing will cost you that depressed, hopeless feeling; you will feel encouraged and hopeful. Healing will cost you that anxiety; you will relax in the freedom of knowing that you are not responsible for everyone in the world and focus on the things that are more important to you.
I am Vickie, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Maryville, TN, and I help people from Knoxville and the surrounding communities decide whether healing is worth the cost, and then find it. Click the link at the top of the page, and schedule a time so we can talk.
Frequently asked questions
How do I know if I'm helping or hurting someone I love?
Sometimes you don't. The Bible draws that very line: carry one another's burdens, but let each one carry his own load (Galatians 6:2-5). I said to a hurting mom, "The line between being a good parent and knowing when to say 'no' is," and she finished, "as fine as a grain of sand." If you're exhausted and they aren't changing, you've crossed from carrying a burden to carrying their load.
Is it selfish for a Christian to say "no" to someone they love?
No. Sometimes "no" is the most loving thing you can say. Rushing in to fix every problem can feel holy, but it often robs the other person of the chance to grow. It quietly wears you down. Love frequently looks like letting someone struggle long enough to learn.
Is healing really worth what it costs?
Yes, I think it is, and I've yet to have a client regret it. Healing can cost you sleep, comfort, and even a few draining relationships. What you get for the effort is peace, rest, and the freedom of no longer carrying the whole world. As one of my clients put it, "My peace is worth everything."
What is Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART)?
Accelerated Resolution Therapy is a brief, research-backed therapy that helps you challenge painful thoughts, think about them a different way, and let go of the symptoms tied to them. In one randomized trial with combat veterans, most saw significant relief from PTSD, depression, and anxiety in fewer than four sessions (Kip et al., 2013). It's the main tool I use to help people heal.
Crisis Resource
If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or go to your nearest emergency room. If you are in immediate danger, call 911. If you or someone you love is experiencing domestic violence, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.
Clinical Content Disclaimer
All clinical content on this website is written or reviewed by Vickie Starkey, LMFT, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Tennessee since 2005 (License #579). Vickie holds a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and Sociology from Carson-Newman College (1989) and a Master of Divinity in Psychology and Counseling from New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary (1995), and is a Certified Master ART Practitioner since 2023. This content is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional diagnosis or treatment. Verify my license here: https://internet.health.tn.gov/Licensure/
References
Kip, K. E., Rosenzweig, L., Hernandez, D. F., Shuman, A., Sullivan, K. L., Long, C. J., Taylor, J., McGhee, S., Girling, S. A., Wittenberg, T., Sahebzamani, F. M., Lengacher, C. A., Kadel, R., & Diamond, D. M. (2013). Randomized controlled trial of accelerated resolution therapy (ART) for symptoms of combat-related post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Military Medicine, 178(12), 1298–1309. https://doi.org/10.7205/MILMED-D-13-00298
