You think of yourself as the rock of your family. You see yourself being there, serving them, giving everything you have for them. You exhaust yourself doing all that you can to make them succeed. Every waking thought and even your dreams are about how you can help your loved ones. You are not just afraid they will fail; you are terrified for them. You can't imagine your own failure or that you would ever let them down. You have to stand strong. You have to stand firm and can't tolerate the thought of watching them hurt. You are willing to do whatever it takes to make sure everyone you love has the opportunity to succeed.

You do all of these things, everything you can, and you find yourself overwhelmed and exhausted. You realize that you are failing. They need more than you can ever give. You feel a certain amount of pride over your willingness to sacrifice. You know that no one can love them as much as you do. You want desperately to help, to make their lives better, but you end up flat on your back, depressed, feeling hopeless, with no energy, maybe even feeling nothing, except failure. Your loved one may even get upset with you for constantly trying to fix them or make them better. They may even complain that you are making them worse. You know there is a name for it, right? Caregiver Burnout.

What is caregiver burnout?

Caregiver burnout is the exhaustion you feel when the world caves in because you are doing the jobs of seven people, alone.

Sometimes this caregiver burnout is a result of taking care of one person, or it can be from trying to take care of everyone. Sometimes it may be related to codependency, where someone is accidentally giving a loved one permission to continue their self-destructive behaviors.

Regardless of the source, there is hope, and there is a way to get back up.

When we struggle with the inability to tell people "no," we become their caregiver or worse, a version of their slave. If saying no is the part you cannot do, I wrote about that in https://thelionslamb.com/blog/why-cant-you-say-no. I'm glad I don't do that so much anymore. I say "so much" because I know the struggle of being a people pleaser is real for me.

You know that your heart is pure and your motive is deep concern for the people you love. You know, there must be a way for you to make a positive difference in their lives without ending up feeling half dead. That half-dead feeling, it's not a fun place.

There is a way for you to care for your loved ones and be energized yourself. It is possible. There is a way to feel whole, useful, and impactful toward the people you love.

Your struggle is not in vain, but for now, you just don't know where to turn. You may not have all of the answers, but you don't have to give up and stop trying. I don't have all of the answers either, but I know someone who does. You need to recognize what is happening to you, what to do about it, and where you can get help.

What does being sifted feel like?

You feel that spiral downward, and you think it will never stop. You feel numb and angry at the same time. You feel depressed, as if there is a darkness surrounding you and no hope of ever seeing the light. You are running on a failing autopilot system, and you are going to land at rock bottom fast and hard. That day for me was not when my Dr. offered up the frightening diagnosis. It wasn't when he told me that I would have to take a medication that is more like a poison. It was when I told a professional colleague, and she said: "What kind of stress have you had at home?" That was the day the darkness began to lift.

You feel like you have been sifted, turned over to the enemy, and forgotten about by God. Maybe your faith teaches you that God doesn't forget you, but He gets quiet. You feel as if your world has shifted, become dark and silent, and you are alone in a den of lions, ready to be eaten alive. Maybe you have felt it, you just knew that if you spoke or breathed then someone you loved would literally die. I know that feeling.

Followers of Jesus sometimes need to be reminded of Luke 22:31: "Simon, Simon, behold, satan demanded to have you, that he might sift you like wheat" (Luke 22:31, ESV). The NIV catches something the ESV hides. It says "sift all of you," because the word is plural. Jesus is talking to all of the disciples, not just Simon, also known as Peter. Jesus changed his name and then he had two. There's plenty of evidence in the Bible that every follower of Jesus gets sifted in some way.

For me, the most awesome part of this conversation with Jesus is that Jesus prayed for Peter and then He said: when you return. WHEN!! Not if, but WHEN. Jesus knew Peter would come home (Luke 22:32, ESV).

Remember Job? He was sifted, though the word wasn't used. Job 1:1-12 is where satan asked to prove Job unfaithful as well. Job remained faithful, not perfect but faithful, and God restored him too.

Maybe you are reading this and are not a follower of Jesus. This next verse was written to the church, but look at who it says he is hunting. 1 Peter 5:8 says, "Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour" (1 Peter 5:8, NLT). Regardless of your belief, you probably feel like you have become satan's lunch. You have been sifted.

What does it mean to be sifted?

Thinking about being sifted reminds me of watching my mom make a cake. I still get to do that. She gets aggravated because she makes mistakes. The last time she planned to use butter for her oil. Instead, she accidentally used the cream cheese she had for the frosting instead. It was the best chocolate cake she had ever made. Since she wasn't going to take a "rurnt" cake to the family reunion, I got to eat almost all of it myself.

Maybe you use the sifter yourself. You want the finest grains of flour and sugar, so you violently shake them through a sifter until they are torn apart, light, and fluffy. The clumps are no longer intact. Maybe you feel as if you are no longer intact. You have been tested. You have been "put through the wringer," as an older person might say.

Maybe fear and anxiety have taken hold with a death grip. Sleep is a distant memory, and your mind just won't shut up. Hope has gone, and the people you love are falling apart or running away from you. You feel the darkness welling up and taking up residence all around you.

You were sifted, and all you see is that you failed. Don't misunderstand. Your faith is still intact, just like Peter's was. Even for you who know about Jesus but don't follow, you still feel what I am talking about. You still have a need. You don't understand why you feel this way; you just know you are in pieces.

Remember, though, the purpose of sifting the flour is to separate the useful and good from the bad. You remember? There are clumps left in the sifter, the parts that are bad and need to be thrown out. The good gets through, and the parts that could be made good and useful are made good and useful. You or whoever you watched looked for the clumps that can be separated, and you roll them around until they fall apart and drop through the sifter. You discard what remains.

Does this sound familiar? You are lying in a messy heap, not sure what has happened, wondering what will ever become of you. The rest of the story is just getting started.

Does being sifted mean you failed?

Maybe it wasn't failure. It could have been. No matter if it is. Your failure doesn't have to be final! Your sifting doesn't have to be the end of you! Have you read the rest of the story? Job's faith remained intact. He yelled at God about his plight, but his faith remained. Afterward, he understood God better, was a more faithful follower, and God blessed him.

Peter! Oh, sweet Peter, if you've read the story, you know Peter messed up. He failed the test and denied Jesus. He was heartbroken the moment he realized he had done exactly what Jesus told him he would do. You know the feeling, you understand, and the paragraphs above summarize it.

Peter was restored, and Peter became a great hero of the faith. You have been sifted to be put back together even stronger, even better, even more hopeful, and even more useful for the kingdom of God. He says so. Here, read it for yourself. "The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by His love; He will exult over you with loud singing" (Zephaniah 3:17, ESV). There is a little disagreement among experts as to the translation of this verse. I like to compare the translations, and the NIV says, "The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in His love, He will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing" (Zephaniah 3:17, NIV).

God wants to use you to help the people you love and more. He wants you to be the servant who does His bidding, thus allowing your loved ones to benefit from their own sifting.

God wants to put you back together! Let Him.

Come see me and let's talk more about it.

I am Vickie, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Maryville, TN, and I help people from Knoxville and the surrounding communities heal from their trauma and the bad stuff that happens. There is a road to redemption and restoration. We can walk it together.

Frequently Asked Questions

What does it mean to be sifted?

Sifting is being shaken hard enough to come apart, so that what is good in you can be separated from what is not. The picture comes from Luke 22:31, where Jesus tells Peter that Satan has asked to sift him like wheat. A cook sifts flour to break up the clumps and let the good through, and the clumps that can be saved get rolled around until they fall through too. Being sifted is not the same as being thrown out.

Is caregiver burnout a real thing, or am I just tired?

It is real, and it is not the same as tired. Caregiver burnout is the exhaustion you feel when the world caves in because you are doing the jobs of seven people, alone. Tired gets better after a day off. Burnout does not, and it often comes with numbness, hopelessness, and a loved one who is upset with you for trying so hard to help.

Does God go silent on purpose when you are struggling?

He may get quiet, but quiet is not gone. In the same breath where Jesus tells Peter that Satan asked to sift him, He says, "but I have prayed for you that your faith may not fail" (Luke 22:32, ESV). Peter did not hear that prayer while he was failing. It was happening anyway.

Crisis Resources

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or go to your nearest emergency room. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

About the Author

All clinical content on this website is written or reviewed by Vickie Starkey, LMFT, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Tennessee since 2005 (License #579). Vickie holds a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and Sociology from Carson-Newman College (1989) and a Master of Divinity in Psychology and Counseling from New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary (1995), and is a Certified Master ART Practitioner since 2023. This content is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional diagnosis or treatment. Verify my license here: https://internet.health.tn.gov/Licensure/

References

English Standard Version Bible. (2001). Crossway Bibles.

New International Version Bible. (2011). Zondervan.

New Living Translation Bible. (2015). Tyndale House Publishers.

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