Do you find yourself trying hard not to hurt anybody's feelings? You don't want to hurt someone's feelings, so you quietly say yes to their requests all the time, even though you know they are taking advantage of you.
You don't like conflict. You don't like confronting people. You really can't stand to hurt their feelings, so you make excuses. You hope they will go away and stop asking. You get nervous and upset because you are broke, and they need a few dollars. You hurt because they hurt. You can't take their pain away, so you need to do something to help alleviate it. You just want to fix it and make them better. You run from emotion to emotion, trying to put out fires only to find yourself trapped in the flames of emotional exhaustion. The truth is, you need to feel better. You want your emotions to stop. You want to be happy again. You wonder when it will ever be your turn.
The problem is the people you love are unhappy. They want something and it's breaking your heart. The only solution you see is to solve their problem. So, you fix it for them. You give them money, time, and your emotions. You decide their dog is in danger because the grass is tall, so you cut the grass even though you've already worked all week, bought the groceries, carried them in, prepared the meals, cleaned up, and you feel the flu headed your way. Still, you want to take care of their problem, too, so you can feel better.
What is fawning?
You do something called fawn. You give in to keep the peace. You want the pain to stop. You give them what they want at the expense of what you need. Fawn is an ongoing response to trauma. You probably learned to fawn to survive a long time ago. Maybe as a young child.
You have found yourself trapped in a vicious cycle with the people who use you. You don't know the difference between who loves you and who loves that you love them. There definitely is a difference between the two. There are plenty of people in the world who will love the fact that you love them and pretend to love you back. There are very few who love you because they just love you. You don't know how to tell the difference, and you feel exhausted, trapped, and confused. Still, there is that nagging feeling that you don't want to hurt anybody's feelings.
Is it ever okay to hurt someone's feelings?
Sometimes it is ok to hurt other people's feelings. What if I told you that you are hurting yourself and other people when you allow someone to take advantage of you? What if you are hurting more than their feelings? What if I told you that you are hurting them and yourself when you take care of other people's responsibilities? Don't misunderstand. There are times when people genuinely need help, and you can do something that is easy for you but hard for them. I believe we are taught to do just that in the Bible. It says "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2, ESV). Then, three verses later, Paul says what sounds like the opposite. "For each will have to bear his own load" (Galatians 6:5, ESV). Both are true. Knowing which one you are looking at and choosing the best thing to do is the challenge.
Many of us get confused about what is helping and what is hurting disguised as helping. Cleaning out your parents' or grandparents' gutters to keep them off a ladder is helpful and protective.
However, taking care of someone's child so they can get drunk is harmful, especially if you are already exhausted. Cutting the grass for the above-mentioned dog is harmful to the owner and the animal. You might feel better, and the yard is safer, but you have set yourself up to have to do the chore again and again. The dog's owner learns that other people will take responsibility, so he doesn't have to. When the grass gets what I call snakey high, and you can't cut it, the dog is in danger again.
One of the most difficult things in this world for some people to do is to allow their loved one to fail. Sometimes, one of the healthiest things you can do is allow your loved one to fail. You hear the terms co-dependent and boundaries and think they apply to addiction. They apply to addiction, but they also apply to many other areas.
Why does this feel so impossible?
Many times, when you don't want to hurt other people, it is because you have been hurt deeply and you don't want to do that to anyone else. You have a good heart and good motives. You have good reason for not wanting to hurt other people. The trauma or bad life experiences you have had color your vision of the world and cause you to do things you would not normally do. You find yourself trapped in an explosion of emotion. Your mental health is affected.
There are many diagnoses to describe your response, including post-traumatic stress, anxiety, and depression. Many other problems are exacerbated by your need to make sure you don't ever hurt someone the way you were hurt.
Are you loving them to death?
It's time to stop hurting people by loving them. Someone said to me, "When I learned that I was literally loving my son to death, I stopped." That statement hit hard. When we give people what they want by giving up what we need, we are literally loving them to death. Your loved one may be depressed and need to take action to manage her depression or anxiety, but you can't stand to see her hurt, so you intervene and manage her business.
While you feel better and your loved one gets some relief, you have inadvertently allowed your depressed loved one to avoid the motivation to make the changes needed. The depression lingers, and your loved one gets worse.
Is there hope for a people pleaser?
You learn to tell people "no" without creating conflict. You can stop hurting the people you love just to make yourself feel better. There is hope.
You can learn to be ok with other people's pain and let them be upset that you were exhausted and couldn't watch their child. You can say no when your loved one has a genuine need, simply because you need something also. You can know who loves you and who is using you.
You can figure out who is taking advantage of you. You can figure out who pushes you past your limits simply because you won't say no. You can heal and come to a place where you are not bothered by those who become angry when you don't allow them to take advantage of your kindness anymore. You can feel the freedom and confidence of knowing that you don't have to live your life being pulled from emotion to emotion, never settling and figuring out who you are, how you feel, and what you need.
Get help today
I am Vickie, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Maryville, TN, and I help people from Knoxville and the surrounding communities heal from their trauma and the bad stuff that happens. I do want to reiterate that there are times when you do give up what you need to give someone else what they need. We have a plethora of heroes in the world who have given their lives to save one another. Parents sacrifice their needs for their children's needs daily. I can help you stop giving up what you need to give other people what they want. I can help you stop letting others take advantage of you, and I can help you stop loving people to death. Click the link, schedule a free consultation, and let me help.
Crisis Resources
If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or go to your nearest emergency room. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
About the Author
All clinical content on this website is written or reviewed by Vickie Starkey, LMFT, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Tennessee since 2005 (License #579). Vickie holds a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and Sociology from Carson-Newman College (1989) and a Master of Divinity in Psychology and Counseling from New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary (1995), and is a Certified Master ART Practitioner since 2023. This content is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional diagnosis or treatment. Verify my license here: https://internet.health.tn.gov/Licensure/
References
English Standard Version Bible. (2001). Crossway Bibles.
Scripture cited: Galatians 6:2 and 6:5 (ESV).