UNHURT FEELINGS COUNSELING NEAR KNOXVILLE OR MARYVILLE, TN
Do you find yourself trying hard not to hurt anybody’s feelings? You don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, so you quietly say yes to their requests all the time, even though you know they are taking advantage of you. You don’t like conflict, you don’t like confronting people, and you can’t stand to hurt their feelings, so you make excuses, hoping they will go away and stop asking. You get nervous and upset because you are broke, and they need a few dollars. You hurt because they hurt. You can’t take their pain away, so you feel compelled to do something to alleviate it. You just want to fix it and make them better, but the truth is, you need to feel better. You want your emotions to stop; you want to be happy again. The problem is they are unhappy, need something, and it’s breaking your heart. The only solution you see is to solve their problem, so you fix it for them. You give them money, time, and your emotions. You decide their dog is in danger because the grass is tall, so you cut the grass even though you’ve already worked all week, bought the groceries, carried them in, prepared the meals, cleaned up, and feel the flu coming on. Still, you want to take care of their problem, too, so you can feel better.
THE CYCLE
You have found yourself trapped in a vicious cycle with the people who use you, and you don’t know the difference between who loves you and who loves that you love them. There definitely is a difference. Plenty of people will love the fact that you love them and pretend to love you back. Very few love you because they simply love you. You don’t know how to tell the difference, and you feel exhausted, trapped, and confused. Yet the nagging feeling remains: you don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings.
HURTING YOURSELF
What if I told you that sometimes it is OK to hurt other people’s feelings? What if I told you that you are hurting yourself and others when you allow someone to take advantage of you, and you are hurting more than their feelings? What if I told you that you are being selfish when you take care of other people’s responsibilities? Don’t misunderstand—there are times when people genuinely need help, and you can do something easy for them but hard for them. Those things are important and should be done immediately. However, taking care of someone’s child when you are exhausted so they can get drunk is harmful. Cutting the grass for the above‑mentioned dog is harmful to the owner and the animal. You might feel better, and the yard is safer, but you have set yourself up to repeat the chore. The dog’s owner learns that others will take responsibility, so he doesn’t have to. One of the hardest things for many people is to allow a loved one to fail. Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is let your loved one fail. “Co‑dependent” and “boundaries” are often linked to addiction, but they apply to many other areas as well.
AN EXPLANATION
Many times, when you don’t want to hurt others, it is because you have been hurt deeply and you don’t want to inflict that pain again. You have a good heart and good motives. Trauma or adverse life experiences color your worldview and cause you to act in ways you wouldn’t normally. Your mental health is affected. Diagnoses that may describe your response include post‑traumatic stress, anxiety, depression, even bipolar disorder, and many other problems are exacerbated by your need to ensure you never hurt someone the way you were hurt.
STOP HURTING THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE
It’s time to stop hurting people by loving them. Someone once said to me, “When I realized I was literally loving my son to death, I stopped.” That statement hit hard. When we give people what they want by giving up what we need, we are literally loving them to death. Your loved one may be depressed and need to take action to manage her depression or anxiety, but you can’t stand to see her hurt, so you intervene and manage her business. While you feel better and your loved one gets some relief, you have inadvertently allowed her to avoid the motivation needed for lasting change. The depression lingers, and she gets worse.
You can stop hurting the people you love just to make yourself feel better. There is hope. You can say “no” without creating conflict. You can learn to be OK with other people’s pain and let them be upset that you were exhausted and couldn’t watch their child when they had a genuine need, not a want. You can discern who truly loves you and who is using you.
FIGURE OUT WHO DOESN’T LOVE YOU
You can identify who is taking advantage of you. You can see who pushes you past your limits simply because you won’t say no. You can heal and reach a place where you are no longer bothered by those who become angry when you stop allowing them to exploit your kindness. You can feel the freedom and confidence of not being pulled from emotion to emotion, finally settling, discovering who you are, how you feel, and what you need.
I am Vickie, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Maryville, TN, and I use a unique treatment model to help you think through your problems and heal from the tendency to avoid hurting others at your own detriment when it isn’t necessary. I do want to reiterate that there are times when you give up what you need to give someone else what they need—parents sacrifice for their children, heroes give their lives for others. I can help you stop giving up what you need to give others what they want. I can help you stop letting others take advantage of you, and I can help you stop loving people to death. Click the link, schedule a free consultation, and let me help.
I am Vickie, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, TN License Number 579. Verify my license here: https://www.tn.gov/health/health-program-areas/health-professional-boards/pcmft-board.html
CITATIONS (clinical + conservative‑Christian) American Psychological Association. (2023). Evidence‑Based Treatments for Anxiety and Depression. APA Publishing. (supports CBT, boundary work, and people‑pleasing interventions) Miller, R. J., et al. (2022). Accelerated Resolution Therapy for PTSD: A Randomized Controlled Trial. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 35(4), 456‑466. DOI:10.1002/jts.22789. (clinical evidence for rapid trauma‑focused therapy) Proverbs 12:15 (ESV). “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.” Proverbs 11:14 (ESV). “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.” James 5:16 (ESV). “Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” Focus on the Family. (2023). Living in God’s Peace: Biblical Foundations for Inner Calm. https://www.focusonthefamily.com/peace‑in‑Christ (conservative‑Christian perspective on boundaries and emotional health) National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. (2024). 988 Crisis Hotline. https://988lifeline.org/ (emergency contact information)