HURT FEELINGS
Do you find yourself trying hard not to hurt anybody’s feelings? You don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, so you quietly say yes to their requests all the time, even though you know they are taking advantage of you. You don’t like conflict, and you don’t like confronting people. You really can’t stand to hurt their feelings, so you make excuses, hoping they will go away and stop asking. You get nervous and upset because you are broke, and they need a few dollars. You hurt because they hurt. You can’t take their pain away, so you need to do something to help alleviate it. You just want to fix it and make them better, but the truth is, you need to feel better. You want your emotions to stop; you want to be happy again. The problem is they are unhappy, need something, and it’s breaking your heart. The only solution you see is to solve their problem, so you fix it for them. You give them money, time, and your emotions. You decide their dog is in danger because the grass is tall, so you cut the grass even though you’ve already worked all week, bought the groceries, carried them in, prepared the meals, cleaned up, and you feel the flu headed your way. Still, you want to take care of their problem, too, so you can feel better.
THE CYCLE
You have found yourself trapped in a vicious cycle with the people who use you, and you don’t know the difference between who loves you and who loves that you love them. There definitely is a difference between the two. There are plenty of people in the world who will love the fact that you love them and pretend to love you back. There are very few who love you because they just love you. You don’t know how to tell the difference, and you feel exhausted, trapped, and confused. Still, there is that nagging feeling that you don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings.
Hurting yourself
What if I told you that sometimes it is ok to hurt other people’s feelings? What if I told you that you are hurting yourself and other people when you allow someone to take advantage of you, and you are hurting more than their feelings? What if I told you that you are being selfish when you take care of other people’s responsibilities? Don’t misunderstand; there are times when people genuinely need help, and you can do something to help that is easy for you but hard for them. Those things are important and should be done immediately. However, taking care of someone’s child when you are exhausted so they can get drunk is harmful. Cutting the grass for the above-mentioned dog is harmful to the owner and the animal. You might feel better, and the yard is safer, but you have set yourself up to have to do the chore again and again. The dog’s owner learns that other people will take responsibility, so he doesn’t have to. One of the most difficult things in this world for some people to do is to allow their loved one to fail. Sometimes, one of the healthiest things you can do is allow your loved one to fail. You hear the terms co-dependent and boundaries and think they apply to addiction. They apply to addiction, but they also apply to many other areas.
AN EXPLANATION
Many times, when you don’t want to hurt other people, it is because you have been hurt deeply and you don’t want to do that to anyone else. You have a good heart and good motives. You have good reason for not wanting to hurt other people. The trauma or adverse life experiences you have had color your vision of the world and cause you to do things you would not normally do. Your mental health is affected. There are many diagnoses to describe your response, including post-traumatic stress, anxiety, Depression, even bipolar disorder, and many other problems are exacerbated by your need to make sure you don’t ever hurt someone the way you were hurt.
STOP HURTING THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE
It’s time to stop hurting people by loving them. Someone said to me, “When I learned that I was literally loving my son to death, I stopped.” That statement hit hard. When we give people what they want by giving up what we need, we are literally loving them to death. Your loved one may be depressed and need to take action to manage her depression or anxiety, but you can’t stand to see her hurt, so you intervene and manage her business. While you feel better and your loved one gets some relief, you have inadvertently allowed your depressed loved one to avoid the motivation to make the changes needed. The depression lingers, and your loved one gets worse.
You can stop hurting the people you love just to make yourself feel better. There is hope. You can tell people “no” without creating conflict. You can learn to be ok with other people’s pain and let them be upset that you were exhausted and couldn’t watch their child when they were experiencing a genuine need, not even a want. You can know who loves you and who is using you.
FIGURE OUT WHO DOESN’T LOVE YOU
You can figure out who is taking advantage of you. You can figure out who pushes you past your limits simply because you won’t say no. You can heal and come to a place where you are not bothered by those who become angry when you don’t allow them to take advantage of your kindness anymore. You can feel the freedom and confidence of knowing that you don’t have to live your life being pulled from emotion to emotion, never settling and figuring out who you are, how you feel, and what you need.
I am Vickie, a counselor in Maryville, TN, and I use a unique treatment model to help you think through your problems and heal from the tendency to avoid hurting other people to your own detriment when it isn’t necessary. I do want to reiterate that there are times when you do give up what you need to give someone else what they need. We have a plethora of heroes in the world who have given their lives to save one another. Parents sacrifice their needs for their children's needs daily. I can help you stop giving up what you need to give other people what they want. I can help you stop letting others take advantage of you, and I can help you stop loving people to death. Click the link, schedule a free consultation, and let me help.