Who does a narcissist target?

Hi, Maryville and East Tennessee. In the last post, we defined the narcissist; now let's talk about the people they target. You might think narcissists go after "weak" people, but a better interpretation is that they hunt someone they believe is a challenge. Narcissists are predators. That's right, they look for someone strong enough that they think they can break. Do you remember the TV show River Monsters? The host set out to catch the most difficult fish on the planet. Narcissists target people the way he targeted fish: the strongest, most elusive on the planet.

How often have you thought, "I can take it," or "I can hold on until he/she changes?" Does any of that sound familiar? You are determined not to give up. That is exactly the challenge the narcissist is looking for. You've seen it and shuddered when you watched the one you love fawn over their narcissist. She doesn't think twice about excluding the people she loves from the wedding, then from the grandchildren. She doesn't even know what she is doing. Does that sound like you a few years ago, when you first fell in love?

Why is your empathy the hook?

The narcissist's opposite cares for others far more deeply than most. You may think that you supernaturally feel the emotions of those around you, especially the people you love. Your empathy is the hook, your fatal flaw. Your greatest asset is the very tool a narcissist will use to tear you down and destroy you. They will create a space where you can be deceived, manipulated, driven to emotional exhaustion, despair, and, in the worst cases, self-destruction, or even death.

Consider empathy on a spectrum. Society uses the term empath to describe those with an apparently supernatural awareness of others' emotions. Empaths feel those emotions and are determined never to see anyone suffer. This may be you. At the opposite end are people who derive pleasure from causing others to hurt, and then they enjoy watching. Often, they are so deeply scarred that their proclamation, "No one is ever going to treat me that way again," really means, "I am angry and will destroy anyone who might hurt me again, especially anyone who loves me." Both extremes share a common trait: a seemingly supernatural ability to read emotions. One extreme is determined never to let anyone else experience the pain they endured; the other is determined that no one will ever hurt them again. Unfortunately, your effort to stop people's pain can be as detrimental as the narcissist's effort to cause pain.

You heard me, you intervene

That was a mouthful, and I'm sure it stirred some anger or defensiveness if you see yourself on the empathic end of the spectrum. Hear me out. You feel other people's hurt, depression, anxiety, hopelessness, fear, mood swings, and despair. Name the emotion, and you feel it. A loved one comes to you for support, asking you to understand. You don't just understand. You feel it too. You head down that rabbit hole of emotion with them. You know what changes they need to make; you tell them, but you can't bear the pain you feel, so you intervene. You heard me, you intervene. You intervene because you can't stand the pain. You desperately need your hurt to stop, so you do something to rescue them. The most common example I've heard is the spouse of the alcoholic who hates the drinking, but runs to the liquor store to get more, because their loved one is unhappy or uncomfortable. You may not be the enabler of an alcoholic, but what about your teenager who refuses to clean up after themselves? Do you just do it for them, or do you let them live in it? What about your fiancé who can't stand crowds, so your family is excluded from the wedding?

Hooked

Your willingness to rescue people from themselves makes you vulnerable to the narcissist's deception. The narcissist is the epitome of victimhood. Once you demonstrate your determination to stop their pain, the narcissist has you hooked. You may not notice the subtle boundary violations at first; you give up something you need to give the narcissist what they want. Because you are strong, you think you can sacrifice your own needs to make them "better." That's the pattern that begins, but wait, there is more. You have needs and wants—perhaps marriage, children, a partnership for parenting or a business. The relationship does not have to be sexual, though it often is. One day you wake up deeply tied to this narcissist, and they control the one thing that matters to you more than anything else. Your dreams are gone, and it's too late.

I know an empath who fell into a creek in the Smokies in winter. She desperately needed the heater on in the car and was shivering uncontrollably. Her narcissist partner was "hot" and wouldn't allow the heat. She was dangerously hypothermic; the narcissist saw an opportunity to cause pain and took advantage of it.

Circling the drain

The narcissist's opposite is strong, compassionate, and caring. You have been willing to give up everything to help the "victim" heal. This victim first appears to be a hero overcoming adversity, and you think you are exactly what they need. How prideful is that? The truth is, you are precisely who the narcissist is determined to destroy. When you find yourself circling the drain of self-destruction, there is an unexplainable desperation to rescue the sinking ship, you. The changes you need to make feel impossible, but they are not; they are difficult and may even feel or be life-threatening for you or someone you love. Still, I think you will find making the changes is worth the work.

You can't untangle this alone

Untangling the mess of being the narcissist's opposite is not something you can do alone. I can help. I am Vickie, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Maryville, TN, and I help people recover and heal from all types of abuse, including the vague, emotionally devastating abuse of a narcissist. TN License Number 579 – verify my license here: https://internet.health.tn.gov/Licensure/

Clinical Content Disclaimer

All clinical content on this website is written or reviewed by Vickie Starkey, LMFT, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Tennessee since 2005 (License #579). Vickie holds a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and Sociology from Carson-Newman College (1989) and a Master of Divinity in Psychology and Counseling from New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary (1995), and is a Certified Master ART Practitioner since 2023. This content is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional diagnosis or treatment.

Crisis Resource

If you are in an abusive or unsafe relationship, help is available: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or go to your nearest emergency room. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.