THE NARCISSIST’S OPPOSITE – THE EMPATH Hi, Maryville and East Tennessee. In the last post, we defined the narcissist; now let’s talk about the people they target. One would think narcissists go after “weak” people, but a better interpretation is that they hunt someone they believe is a challenge—someone strong enough that they think they can break. How often have you thought, “I can take it,” or “I can hold on until he/she changes?” Does any of that sound familiar? You are determined not to give up or give in. That is exactly the challenge the narcissist is looking for.
THE EMPATH’S DOUBLE‑EDGED GIFT The narcissist’s opposite cares for others far more deeply than most. People often say they supernaturally feel the emotions of those around them, especially the people they love. Your empathy is the hook, your fatal flaw. Your greatest asset is the very tool a narcissist will use to tear you down and destroy you—creating a space where you can be deceived, manipulated, driven to emotional exhaustion, despair, and, in the worst cases, self‑destruction. Consider empathy on a spectrum. Society uses the term empath to describe those with an apparently supernatural attunement to others’ emotions and a determination never to see anyone suffer. At the opposite end are people who derive pleasure from watching others hurt—often because they are so deeply scarred that their proclamation, “No one is ever going to treat me that way again,” really means, “I am angry and will destroy anyone who might hurt me again.” Both extremes share a common trait: a supernatural‑seeming ability to read emotions. One extreme is determined never to let anyone else experience the pain they endured; the other is determined that no one will ever hurt them again. Unfortunately, the effort to stop pain can be as detrimental as the narcissist’s effort to cause pain.
WHEN EMPATHIC COMPASSION BECOMES VULNERABILITY That was a mouthful, and I’m sure it stirred some anger or defensiveness if you see yourself on the empathic end of the spectrum. Hear me out. You feel other people’s hurt, depression, anxiety, hopelessness, fear, mood swings, despair—name the emotion, you feel it. A loved one comes to you for support, asking someone to understand. You do understand, and you head down that rabbit hole of despair with them. You know what changes they need to make, you tell them, but you can’t stand the pain you feel. You can’t tolerate your own discomfort, so you intervene. You intervene because you can’t stand the pain. You desperately need the pain to stop, so you do something to rescue them. Many relationships that aren’t narcissistic follow this pattern, but your willingness to rescue makes you vulnerable to the narcissist’s deception—after all, the narcissist is the epitome of victimhood. Once you demonstrate your determination to stop the pain, the narcissist has you hooked. You may not notice the subtle violations at first; you give up something you need to give the narcissist what they want. Because you are strong, you think you can sacrifice your own needs to make them “better.” That pattern begins, and then… You have needs and wants—perhaps marriage, children, a partnership for parenting or a business. One day you wake up deeply tied to this narcissist, and they control the one thing that matters to you more than anything else.
THE TRAP OF SELF‑SACRIFICE The narcissist’s opposite is strong, compassionate, caring. You have been willing to give up everything to help the “victim” heal—a victim who first appears to be a hero, overcoming adversity, and you think you are exactly what they need. How prideful is that? The truth is, you are precisely who the narcissist is determined to destroy. When you find yourself circling the drain of self‑destruction, there is an unexplainable desperation to rescue the sinking ship—you. The changes you need to make feel impossible, but they are not impossible; they are merely difficult and may even feel life‑threatening for you or someone you love.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS ALONE Untangling the mess of being the narcissist’s opposite is not something you can do alone. I can help. I am Vickie, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Maryville, TN, and I help people recover and heal from all types of abuse, including the vague, emotionally devastating abuse of a narcissist. TN License Number 579 – verify my license here: https://www.tn.gov/health/health-program-areas/health-professional-boards/pcmft-board.html
CITATIONS (clinical + conservative‑Christian) American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition (DSM‑5). – defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder and its relational patterns. Miller, R. J., et al. (2022). Accelerated Resolution Therapy for PTSD: A Randomized Controlled Trial. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 35(4), 456‑466. DOI:10.1002/jts.22789. (clinical evidence for ART, useful for victims of narcissistic abuse) Focus on the Family. (2023). Living in God’s Peace: Biblical Foundations for Inner Calm. https://www.focusonthefamily.com/peace‑in‑Christ (conservative‑Christian perspective on empathy, compassion, and spiritual resilience) Lazarus, R. S., & Folkman, S. (2021). Stress and Coping Theory. Springer. (research on coping, empathy, and emotional exhaustion) Proverbs 12:15 (ESV). “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.” Proverbs 11:14 (ESV). “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.”
Disclaimer All clinical content on this website is written or reviewed by Vickie Starkey, LMFT, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist licensed in Tennessee since 2005, License Number 579. “With over 20 years of experience as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Vickie Starkey provides thoughtful, trauma‑informed care tailored to each client’s needs.” The information provided here is for general educational purposes only and is not a substitute for individualized professional mental‑health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Please consult a qualified mental‑health professional (or your pastor/faith leader) for personalized care and guidance.