You feel it, the tightness in your shoulders, heaviness in your chest, pressure in your head. You wonder if things will ever get any better. You do your best, hoping to help the people you love. You help your children; maybe they are adults now, but you just can't stop. They need you. They might fail if you don't step in and take care of them. Your eighteen-year-old son might run out of clean underwear, so you do his laundry rather than let him live with the consequences of failure.
You feel it, restlessness at night, your mind won't slow down, and you can't keep up with your thoughts. Sleep runs from you, and you can't catch up. Close your eyes, try to relax, look at the clock, and think I only have a couple more hours to sleep. When will it ever be your turn to slow down and take a break?
Whose pain are you really stopping?
You know what I am talking about: you have to take care of everyone in the family, and maybe a few people who are like family. You can't let them down. You have to be there for them because you love them, and watching them struggle causes you pain. You have to stop their pain! Or, is it that you have to stop the pain you feel while you watch them struggle?
Ah, that changes your entire perspective, doesn't it? I have to help them stop hurting, so I can stop hurting. Think long and hard about it. You pridefully think something like, "I am strong, I can take it." So, you give up what you need to allow them to have what they want, all because "I can't stand to see them hurt." You call it being nice or kind. You call it being generous and giving. Is it, though? Maybe you are depriving them of their opportunity to grow and develop. Maybe you are causing them to struggle more and longer, all because you can't stand to watch them hurt.
You wear yourself out giving other people what they want, while you give up what you need. Then you find yourself emotionally exhausted and hopeless. You become depressed and anxious, wondering if anyone will ever care enough to do the same for you. Well, the answer is "no," they are not, and you need to stop doing that to them as well.
You can stop; you don't have to continue this vicious cycle that is destroying you. You have a gift, a beautiful gift, and you can learn to use that gift. You can use the gift in a way that makes their lives better and your life better. You know when the gift is working well. You sit with someone while they hurt, and you have no answers; you hurt together until it feels better. Keep thinking.
Why do pastors rail against self-care?
I have heard many pastors rail against the words "self-care." They especially criticize therapists for encouraging something called self-care. Pastors have called it selfish, and I think one may have even referred to it as demonic. I struggle to find other words to describe your need, though.
There are plenty of therapists, most of them, as a matter of fact, who will tell you that you are your first priority and that you need to take care of yourself and be selfish about it. They encourage spa days and eucalyptus treatments, along with meditation and regeneration. Therapists sometimes tell people to remove themselves from anyone who makes them unhappy, even if it causes a family to fall apart. I think these types of recommendations are what pastors complain about.
I want to suggest an alternate definition of self-care. See, I believe self-care is important and that most people are not as in tune with their own needs as you are. The problems that come with being an enabler or what society calls an empath are less common among men. The pastors I have heard make the complaint are men.
There are inherent differences between men and women, but that doesn't mean there aren't exceptions. I would much rather be outside than in the kitchen. I am one of those exceptions. Still, some people do sense other people's emotions, and they become so entrapped with those emotions that they find themselves willing to do almost anything to stop feeling what they feel. Those are the people I am talking with, because you/we frequently fail to engage in basic self-care. Those pastors who complain, they take a day off and go golfing or fishing, or whatever they are into. You, however, never take a day off.
You never stop scanning the room for the source of those butterflies in your gut or that sadness in your chest. You are constantly looking for a way to take control and make someone else feel better. You don't take that day off or those thirty minutes alone with God each day. You hit the floor in the morning, fixing the people around you, and crash at night trying to figure out how to be a better people-fixer when you get up the next morning. The cycle never ends.
When does the cycle end?
I think about the mom who can't stop worrying about her young adult children, who has figured out the hardest time raising them is when they turn eighteen and the only discipline option is making them move out before they are ready. Maybe you've met her, crying, devastated, saying "my child will always have a place to live." Meanwhile, the "child" refuses to work or provide for himself.
The cycle can end. You weren't created to be the sacrificial lamb for your family, friends, or work. That lamb has to be perfect, and you don't fit the description. Remember? Many times, I would venture to say most of the time, you are trying to make yourself feel better because you can't stand to see them hurt.
What is self-care, really?
Self-care isn't about throwing everyone away or dumping your responsibilities; it's about keeping your spirit, body, mind, and emotions in shape so you can truly help and support the people you love, rather than staying stuck in that panicked "I've got to fix it!" frenzy. When you meet your own needs, you break the hopeless cycle of trying to make everyone happy and instead recognize that you aren't responsible for other people's feelings; shielding them from the consequences of their choices only hurts them more.
I think about the numerous times I've been told, "My child came back a year later, clean, working, and said 'thank you, I never would have changed if you hadn't forced me.'" Or the young man who went to his friend's mother and said, "Thank you for forcing me to go to the hospital. I didn't want to go and was refusing, but now I have a job and medication." You can become that person, the one who cares for both yourself and the ones you love.
Learning the art of self-care, the type of personal maintenance that fills you up and allows you to pour yourself out into healthy service to the people you love, is life-changing. I can help. Click the link at the top of the page and schedule a time to talk with me. I am Vickie, and I help people learn to love others well.
Clinical Content Disclaimer
All clinical content on this website is written or reviewed by Vickie Starkey, LMFT, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Tennessee since 2005 (License #579). Vickie holds a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and Sociology from Carson-Newman College (1989) and a Master of Divinity in Psychology and Counseling from New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary (1995), and is a Certified Master ART Practitioner since 2023. This content is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional diagnosis or treatment. Verify my license here: https://internet.health.tn.gov/Licensure/
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