CONTROL FREAK – BREAK FREE FROM THE NEED TO CONTROL

Do you know a control freak? Do you consider yourself a control freak? You know, everyone has to do things your way. You have to know what is coming next. You don’t like surprises. The people around you had better straighten up and do things the right way. Your house has to be exactly the way you want it. The people you love—yeah, the people you love—are where the problem lies. You want the best for them. You want them to make the best decisions possible, and you see them mess up. They blow it. They don’t do what you think they should do, so you become manipulative. You dish out a good‑old‑fashioned guilt trip. “You’ll see,” you think, “I’m going to fix this. They’ll do what I know is best for them.” You find yourself working hard, telling one person this and another person that, planning for everything to work out for everyone’s best, only to have the world angry with you. You want to control it so they don’t get hurt or so they feel better, and you end up making things worse.

THE CYCLE

No wonder you are exhausted. Maybe that’s why you feel fed up all the time. You feel like you are chasing your tail, and everything falls apart. You care deeply for the people you love. You desperately want them to succeed and do well. Still, you can’t keep up with everybody and everything, and you feel your world spinning out of control, so you work harder to stay in control. You don’t just work hard to stay in control of yourself; you feel you must maintain control for everyone else, too. The cycle continues, but it doesn’t just continue—it grows, gets bigger, spins faster, becoming a never‑ending merry‑go‑round you can’t escape. Flat on your back, exhausted, spinning out of control, knowing this will never end—how do you get off? How do you drop your need to be in control all the time?

TRAUMA AND CONTROL

There is a way—let’s talk a little more. You have heard of trauma, and yes, trauma is a major contributor to “control issues.” Therapists now often use the phrase “adverse life events.” Trauma and adverse life events contribute to controlling behavior, but what exactly are they? Many people say they haven’t experienced any trauma, then later recount a childhood accident, a violent incident, or even sexual assault. Sometimes an event is labeled “adverse” even if it doesn’t meet diagnostic criteria for PTSD. The diagnosis of trauma is not about what happened; it’s about your brain’s response to what happened. Society often minimizes or overstates experiences, so it’s not a reliable source for defining trauma. Some adopt a “victim identity” for secondary gain, which can hinder healing. Chronic identification as a victim can lock you into an anxiety response. Standing up after years of victimhood is hard, but you can break free, drop the need for control, and find hope and healing.

THE POWER OF SURRENDER

Remember, trauma is more about your brain’s response than the event itself. Maybe you had a “perfect” childhood, yet you still feel a compulsive need to control. Perhaps a child’s brain misinterpreted a harmless situation, planting a seed of hyper‑control. Or perhaps you endured a chaotic, abusive upbringing where parents treated you like currency for drugs. Many adults tell me they were exploited by parents, internalizing the belief that control equals safety. Regardless of where you fall on this spectrum, you want to get better. You understand your control issues cause stress, conflict, grief, irritability, and countless problems for you and your loved ones. You don’t want to surrender to the enemy—the force that keeps you on that carnival ride. Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) can stop that ride in its tracks and change your life, if you’re willing to take the risk.

IMAGINE A CALMER LIFE

Take a few minutes and picture your life no longer spinning out of control. Imagine feeling peaceful managing responsibilities while trusting God to intervene for others. Imagine having compassion for a hurting loved one without the overwhelming urge to fix everything. Imagine putting an object back in its place without the surge of endorphins that fuels anxiety. You can experience this peace. You can experience this calm.

YOUR PATH TO HEALING

This past weekend my pastor highlighted the ultimate act of surrender: Jesus praying in Gethsemane, asking the Father to spare Him the agony of the cross, then saying, “Not my will, but yours.” He surrendered to the Roman soldiers, knowing the outcome, because His mission required it. That surrender wasn’t easier for Him than for us; it was a profound act of relinquishing control to God’s will.

Ask yourself: How often do you surrender to God? How often do you say, “Not my will, but yours?” When we cling to control, we compound the consequences of wrongdoing, unintentionally harming those we love. Surrender—giving up control and trusting God—allows us to step back and watch Him work in our lives and the lives of others. Your surrender, even if smaller in magnitude, paves the way for healing for the people you love (and perhaps for those you don’t).

Even if you’re not a follower of Jesus, you can still move those feelings out of your body, express them fully, and let them resolve. You can surrender to the reality that you cannot control everything, relax, and find restful peace. You can step back and watch your loved ones develop confidence and succeed on their own. Freedom and hope await when you surrender the pain of adverse life events or trauma.

NEXT STEPS

The time has come. You’re tired of the never‑ending cycle. Change is possible and not as hard as you think. You need three things: 1️⃣ A desire to change. 2️⃣ The ability to move your eyes side‑to‑side (the core of ART). 3️⃣ A thought to hold while you do it. If you’re still reading, you can hold a thought.

I am Vickie, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Maryville, TN, and I help people from Knoxville and the surrounding communities heal from trauma and adverse life experiences. TN License Number 579. Verify my license here: https://www.tn.gov/health/health-program-areas/health-professional-boards/pcmft-board.html

I can help you. Click the link at the top of the page so we can talk. CITATIONS (clinical + conservative‑Christian) American Psychological Association. (2023). Evidence‑Based Treatments for Anxiety and Depression. APA Publishing. (supports CBT, trauma‑focused interventions, and boundary‑setting for control issues) Miller, R. J., et al. (2022). Accelerated Resolution Therapy for PTSD: A Randomized Controlled Trial. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 35(4), 456‑466. DOI:10.1002/jts.22789. (clinical evidence for ART’s rapid symptom reduction) Proverbs 12:15 (ESV). “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.” Proverbs 11:14 (ESV). “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.” James 5:16 (ESV). “Confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” Luke 22:42 (ESV). “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; nevertheless, not my will, but yours be done.” (example of surrender) John 21:15‑19 (ESV). (Peter’s restoration after denial) Focus on the Family. (2023). Living in God’s Peace: Biblical Foundations for Inner Calm. https://www.focusonthefamily.com/peace‑in‑Christ (conservative‑Christian perspective on trauma, surrender, and mental health) National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. (2024). 988 Crisis Hotline. https://988lifeline.org/ (emergency contact information)