Do you know a control freak? Do you consider yourself a control freak? You know, everyone has to do things your way. You have to know what is coming next. You don’t like surprises. The people around you had better straighten up and do things the right way. Your house has to be exactly the way you want it. The people you love, ah, yeah, the people you love, there’s where the problem lies. You want the best for them. You want them to make the best decisions possible, and you see them mess up. They blow it. They don’t do what you think they should do, so you get manipulative. You offer up a good old-fashioned guilt trip. Yup, you are going to fix this. They are going to do what you know is best for them. You find yourself working hard, telling one person this and another person that, planning for it to all work out for everyone’s best, only to have the world angry with you? You want to control it so they don’t get hurt or so they feel better, and you end up making things worse.
No wonder you are exhausted. Maybe that’s why you feel so fed up all the time. You feel like you are chasing your tail, and everything falls apart. You care deeply for the people you love. You want desperately for them to succeed and do well. Still, you can’t keep up with everybody and everything, and you feel like your world is spinning out of control, so you work harder to stay in control. You don’t just work hard to stay in control. of yourself, you have to maintain control for everyone else, too. The cycle continues, but it doesn’t just continue; it grows, it gets bigger and bigger, spinning faster and faster, becoming the never-ending merry-go-round you can’t escape. Flat on your back, exhausted, spinning out of control, knowing this is never going to end, how do you get off? How do you drop your need to be in control all of the time?
There is a way, let’s talk a little more. You have heard of trauma, and yes, trauma is a major contributor to “control issues.” Therapists are moving to another phrase as well: “adverse life events.” Trauma and adverse life events contribute to controlling behavior, but what exactly are they? Many people have said that they haven’t experienced any trauma. Then they will turn around and tell a story of how something went wrong when they were children, or they will describe an accident. Sometimes people have denied trauma and then later revealed they were raped or witnessed a horrific event. Maybe it was an adverse life event and doesn’t rise to the level of diagnosable trauma, but here you are, reading this and wondering about your control issues and the problems they are causing you.
The diagnosis of trauma is not about what happened; it is about your brain’s response to what happened. Many times, society will minimize your experiences and tell you it wasn’t trauma. Other times, society will overstate an experience and label it as trauma when it was not traumatic, though it may have been bad. Society is not a good source for your definition of trauma. Additionally, some think of themselves as victims, and therefore, they describe an experience as trauma. However, the truth is, they are looking for the secondary gain of attention or other benefits from experiencing trauma. When someone’s identity becomes that of a victim, healing is difficult. Chronic identification as a victim could be considered as permanently acquiescing to the anxiety response of an attack. The decision to stand up and fight, especially after years of living as a victim, is difficult. Many of you want to stand up, but don’t know how. Many of you are still fighting for control and freedom from the deadly grip of trauma, as it is destroying your life. You're spinning on that merry-go-round of drama or determination to save the people you love, and you are ready to get off, get your bearings, drop the dizziness, and let go. There is hope, there is healing, and you can heal. You don’t have to be the perpetual victim trying to rescue everyone you love from certain death, all because they didn’t do it your way. There are newer therapy techniques that can promote quick healing, if you are willing to take a risk to change.
Remember, trauma is more about your brain’s response to things than what those things are. So, maybe you did have a perfect childhood, but something doesn’t sit quite right, and you still feel a need to be in control. That’s when you consider the possibility of a pattern of unhealthy behavior that translated to trauma for you. It wasn’t necessarily bad parenting, but children don’t think and understand the same way as adults. Maybe your child's brain misinterpreted something, and now you feel a strong need to be in control. Of course, you may have been at the opposite extreme with a chaotic and abusive childhood. Many adults have talked with me about how they were exploited by their parents. Many times, clients have described with deep detail the actions of a parent who considered their child to be currency for drugs or money. You grew into adulthood thinking it was normal, but still determined to protect yourself by staying in control.
Regardless of your place on the above spectrum, you want to get better. You understand that your control issues are causing stress, conflict, grief, irritability, and so many more problems for you and the people you love. You don’t want to be like that, but you don’t know how to stop. You definitely don’t want to surrender to the enemy, the driving force holding you down, making you feel as if you will never get off that carnival ride. Accelerated Resolution Therapy can stop that ride on a dime and can change your life forever, if you want it to.
Surrender seems like the opposite of control. Earlier, I used the term acquiesce to describe a trauma response of giving in. I also described three other responses: fight, flight, or freeze. Many times, when the adverse experience reaches a level that does not allow your brain to reboot, it translates into maladaptive behavior. This maladaptive behavior continues, sometimes for years, until it becomes such a stressful pattern that it creates a mental health crisis. Allowing your brain to slow down, focus, and process the experience or experiences promotes healing. Accelerated Resolution Therapy will access the part of your brain that is stuck in overdrive, as it were. When that part of your brain is allowed to work through the problem, then it will relax, let go of the emotions, body feelings, and stress. When you surrender to those feelings for a short time, you regain a different type of control.
Take a few minutes and imagine your life no longer spinning out of control. Imagine feeling peaceful about managing your responsibilities and trusting God to intervene with others. Imagine feeling great compassion for your hurting loved one, but not feeling the overwhelming need to step in and fix the problem. Imagine for yourself, you find something out of it’s place and you mindlessly put it where it goes without that injection of endorphins that creates overwhelming anxiety. You can experience this peace. You can experience this calm.
This past weekend, my Pastor pointed out the ultimate act of surrender. He was speaking to those who follow Jesus and believe in him. He was talking about a different type of surrender, sort of. He spoke of the ultimate surrender of control to God’s will. Jesus was praying just before he was arrested. He prayed that he would not have to experience the next few hours leading to his death. Then he said, “not my will, but yours,” and he surrendered to the Roman soldiers, knowing what was to come. He didn’t have to; he did it because, in his human body, he still understood his mission.
I called Jesus’ surrender a different type and then said, sort of. I don’t think that in his humanity, this was somehow easier for Jesus than for you and me. I ask a question of you, though, with your controlling behavior, how often are you surrendering to God? How often are you stepping back and saying, not my will, but yours? You (far too often, I) don’t realize that when you and I engage in controlling behavior, you and I compound the consequences of wrongdoing. Without realizing it, you and I make things worse for the people we love rather than helping. Surrender, giving up control and acquiescing to God, allows you and me to sit back and watch God work in our lives and in the lives of others. Jesus’ surrender was only different in magnitude, both in action and result. Your surrender still paves the way to healing for the people you love, and maybe a few people you don’t love.
Maybe you are not a follower or believer in Jesus. That doesn’t mean you can’t get better. You still can move those feelings out of your body. You can express them fully, allowing them to resolve. You can surrender to the reality that you cannot control everything, relax, and find a peaceful rest. You can step back and watch while the people you love figure things out and develop the confidence they need to succeed. You can find freedom and hope when you surrender the pain of your adverse life events or your trauma.
The time has come, you are tired of this never-ending cycle, you can make the changes you need, and it is not as difficult as you think. You need three things. 1. To want to change. 2. To be able to move your eyes side to side, and 3. To hold a thought. To be clear, if you are still reading this, you can hold a thought. I am Vickie, a therapist in Maryville, TN, and I help people from Knoxville and the surrounding communities heal from their trauma and adverse life experiences. I can help you. Click the link at the top of the page and schedule a time so we can talk.