Have you ever been betrayed? You know what I mean, that deep, dark betrayal where you trusted someone for years and you trusted them with your deepest secret, the thing you never even admit to yourself? You trusted them with the things that matter the most to you, only to learn after it was too late, they had a knife in your back. You worked hard to convince them that you care about them, believing you were also convincing them to care about you--to love you. You never say "no" regardless of the size of the ask.
You literally exhaust yourself emotionally and physically doing everything you can to make someone happy, only to learn they were stealing the only thing you ever cared about. You find yourself wondering if you can survive or if you can ever meet the expectations of the people you love, and you don't understand how they could be so cruel. You are not alone; you may think you are, but there is hope. You don't have to live your life feeling unloved, unappreciated, and fighting for someone's affection.
You think no one else has ever experienced what you are experiencing. You think no one else could ever understand what you are going through, and that there is no hope. You have reached the end of your strength and hope. You can't continue living the way you are, but you don't know what other people will think about you if you change. You may be afraid of being rejected if you change. The people who are using you, taking advantage of your efforts to love and be loved, don't want you to change. Others love you, but are caught in their own desperate trap of trying to convince other people to love them. Often, they are just trying to convince you to love them, too. You feel as if you are trapped in a toxic cesspool with no way to escape.
Jesus Was Betrayed Too
You can change. Life can be different. You are not alone. My pastor's sermon this week reminded us that Jesus, too, was betrayed. I think Jesus knew He was going to be betrayed. When you read all four of the gospels, you see it early in the book of John, before Jesus fully reveals himself, Judas's betrayal is predicted. You might even think Jesus let himself be set up, much like you did. You saw warning signs and red flags. Something in your gut told you this was a bad idea, but you were so desperate to be loved that you would try anything. Jesus wasn't that desperate to be loved; he just knew. How did Jesus handle his betrayer? Jesus washed that guy's feet, fed him, and then told him to do what he was going to do. You're not up for that, I'm sure. I'm not up for that either; we are not Jesus. Still, you have a responsibility to forgive those who have betrayed you. You have a responsibility to heal when you have been betrayed. There are arguments about the purpose of forgiveness. Some people say forgiveness is only for the person who offended you. Other people say that forgiveness is only for you, so you don't suffer with a life of anger and bitterness. I say forgiveness is for the offender, the offended, and the people you might hurt because of your bitterness and anger. There is a common saying among those battling addiction, "hurt people hurt people." You forgive for many reasons, one of them being that you don't hurt other people. I believe most efforts to convince other people to love you are rooted in some adverse life event or pattern of events, teaching you that love means sacrificing what you need to give others what they want.
When you spend your days spinning in circles, giving up what you need to give others what they want, your mental health declines, and your physical health declines. You find yourself emotionally exhausted, depressed, anxious, unable to sleep, irritable, panicked, and a host of other symptoms professionals label with words such as depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress, and even bipolar disorder, to name a few. Maybe you can identify with these terms, but they don't have to define who you are. You can heal.
You Can Heal
You don't have to carry that pain anymore. You don't have to feel the physical destruction that anger and bitterness bring to you. You don't have to sacrifice yourself to convince people who would abuse you to love you. There was a spotless lamb who chose to allow betrayal so he could heal the world. You are not that spotless lamb, and martyrdom by betrayal is not for you. Betrayal and persecution for your faith are not the same thing. You can heal, you can be strong, and you can thrive. Healing is for you.
When you heal, the people betraying you will become angry, but the people who love you will support you and encourage you. When you decide to find love and acceptance through proper channels instead of working to earn it from those who willingly harm you, then you start to experience the love and acceptance you so desperately crave. Jesus accepted betrayal as the path to redemption; he did that so you don't have to. It's time to heal. It's time to learn who loves you. It's time to know who is using you. I am Vickie, a therapist in Maryville, Tennessee, and I help people heal. Let me help you. Click the link at the top of the page to schedule a free consultation let's figure out if I am the right counselor for you.