Do you know a control freak? Do you consider yourself a control freak? You know, everyone has to do things your way. You have to know what is coming next. You don't like surprises. The people around you had better straighten up and do things the right way. Your house has to be exactly the way you want it. The people you love, ah, yeah, the people you love, there's where the problem lies. You want the best for them. You want them to make the best decisions possible, and you see them mess up. They blow it. They don't do what you think they should do, so you get manipulative. You offer up a good old-fashioned guilt trip.
Yup, you are going to fix this. They are going to do what you know is best for them. You find yourself working hard, telling one person this and another person that, planning for it to all work out for everyone's best, only to have the world angry with you. You want to control it so they don't get hurt or so they feel better, and you end up making things worse. I get it. I want them to make better decisions too.
Why are you so tired?
You can't keep up with everybody and everything, and you feel like your world is spinning out of control, so you work harder to stay in control. No wonder you are exhausted. Maybe that's why you feel so fed up all the time. You feel like you are chasing your tail, and everything falls apart. You care deeply for the people you love. You want desperately for them to succeed and do well.
You don't just work hard to stay in control of yourself. You have to maintain control for everyone else, too. The cycle continues, but it doesn't just continue. It grows. It gets bigger and bigger, spinning faster and faster, becoming the never-ending merry-go-round you can't escape. Flat on your back, exhausted, spinning out of control, knowing this is never going to end, how do you get off? How do you drop your need to be in control all of the time?
What does trauma have to do with control?
Trauma and adverse life events contribute to controlling behavior. What exactly are they? You have heard of trauma, and yes, trauma is a major contributor to "control issues." Some therapists are moving to another phrase as well: "adverse life events." Many people have said that they haven't experienced any trauma. Then they will turn around and tell a story of how something went wrong when they were children, or they will describe an accident.
Sometimes people have denied trauma and then later revealed they were raped or witnessed a horrific event. Someone once told me, "I've never experienced any trauma," only to tell me later that when she was three years old, her dad kidnapped her, hid her, and didn't feed her for three days. I explained that this was trauma.
Maybe it was an adverse life event and doesn't rise to the level of trauma, but here you are, reading this and wondering about your control issues and the problems they are causing you.
The experience of trauma is not about what happened. It is about your brain's response to what happened.
What are the four trauma responses?
Experts describe four responses to the bad stuff that happens to us. Those are fight, flight, fawn, or freeze. You may have learned about your fight or flight response in school. Your body instinctually reacts to scary things. We all have different responses and sometimes respond differently depending on the threat we experience.
Think about it. First responders have a fight response. They run to the disaster. You've heard stories of heroes who did the exact same thing. They run to the trouble, stand and fight. Good for them.
Most of us, though, will turn and run or hide. That's the flight response. There is nothing wrong with it. This response is an excellent survival instinct, and sometimes you need to run away.
Freeze is also a response. I remember one time I was standing in a narrow hallway in a hospital waiting. All of a sudden, people came running around a corner fast, pushing a bed. Someone was sitting on a patient's chest doing chest compressions. I was in the way. I couldn't do anything but press myself against the wall and freeze while they made their way around me. The smarter decision would have been to step into the open doorway right beside me. I froze.
Then there is fawn. I think this is what happens more often than we realize. Fawning is giving in. I have chickens and a pesky dog that never hurts them. She does chase them, though. When the dog catches one of the hens, she drops down to the ground and sits low while she is sniffed and licked. It's funny to watch, but for people, fawning can be a lot more serious.
I believe fawning happens more with those lifelong patterns of having to sacrifice your needs to accommodate what someone else wants. I think of the mom who wants a "mini-me" delicate daughter, but God gives her a feral wildcat. That mom doesn't understand her daughter's needs and forces the infant, toddler, and preschooler into a behavioral mold that doesn't fit. The child grows to adulthood always trying to please the people around her rather than expressing herself as God made her. In her child's mind, she felt she had no choice but to fawn to survive.
Are you stuck in the victim seat?
No, you are not stuck in the victim seat. You can heal. Many times, society will minimize your experiences and tell you it wasn't trauma. Other times, society will overstate an experience and label it as trauma when it was not traumatic, though it may have been bad. Society is not a good source for your definition of trauma. Additionally, some think of themselves as victims, and therefore, they describe an experience as trauma. When someone's identity becomes that of a victim, healing is difficult. The decision to stand up and fight, especially after years of living as a victim, is difficult.
Can you stop being a control freak?
Yes, you can stop being a control freak. Maybe you want to stand up, but don't know how. Maybe you are still fighting for control and freedom from the deadly grip of trauma, as it is destroying your life. You're spinning on that merry-go-round of drama or determination to save the people you love. You are ready to get off, get your bearings, drop the dizziness, and let go. There is hope, there is healing. You can heal. You don't have to be the perpetual victim trying to rescue everyone you love from certain death, all because they didn't do it your way. There are newer therapy techniques that can promote faster healing if you are willing to take a risk to change.
Remember, trauma is more about your brain's response to things than what those things are. So, maybe you did have a perfect childhood, but something doesn't sit quite right and you still feel a need to be in control. That's when you consider the possibility of a pattern of unhealthy behavior that translated to trauma for you.
It wasn't necessarily bad parenting, but children don't think and understand the same way as adults. Maybe your child's brain misinterpreted something, and now you feel a strong need to be in control.
You may have been at the opposite extreme with a chaotic and abusive childhood. Many adults have talked with me about how they were exploited by their parents. Many times, clients have described with deep detail the actions of a parent who considered their child to be currency for drugs or money. I am reminded of the hyperverbal young mother who believed dad beating her and hiding in the closet was normal until a friend was shocked to hear her story. She learned it doesn't have to be that way and wants better for her children. Maybe you grew into adulthood thinking it was normal. You learned it wasn't, and have been determined to protect yourself by staying in control. The problem is that staying in control of everyone and everything is just making the problem worse.
What is Accelerated Resolution Therapy?
Accelerated Resolution Therapy is an eye movement therapy that can help you get off this crazy merry-go-round that is keeping you stuck. Regardless of your place on the above spectrum, you want to get better. You understand that your control issues are causing stress, conflict, grief, irritability, and so many more problems for you and the people you love. You don't want to be like that, but you don't know how to stop. You definitely don't want to surrender to the enemy, that driving force holding you down, making you feel as if you will never get off that carnival ride. Accelerated Resolution Therapy is not perfect, and it sometimes feels miraculous, but it doesn't heal everything every time. It can be an off ramp, though, a way to stop spinning out of control.
Surrender seems like the opposite of control. Earlier, I used the term fawn to describe a trauma response of giving in. I also described three other responses: fight, flight, or freeze. Many times, when the adverse experience reaches a level that does not allow your brain to reboot, it translates into maladaptive behavior. This maladaptive behavior continues, sometimes for years, until it becomes such a stressful pattern that it creates a mental health crisis. Allowing your brain to slow down, focus, and process the experience or experiences can promote healing. Accelerated Resolution Therapy may access the part of your brain that is stuck in overdrive, as it were. When that part of your brain is allowed to work through the problem, then it should relax, let go of the emotions, body feelings, and stress. When you surrender to those feelings for a short time, you regain a different type of control.
What would it feel like to let go?
Take a few minutes and imagine your life no longer spinning out of control. Imagine feeling peaceful about managing your responsibilities and trusting God to intervene with others. Imagine feeling great compassion for your hurting loved one, but not feeling the overwhelming need to step in and fix the problem. Imagine for yourself, you find something out of its place, and you mindlessly put it where it goes without that injection of adrenaline that creates overwhelming anxiety. You can experience this peace. You can experience this calm.
What does surrender have to do with control?
Not too long ago, my pastor pointed out the ultimate act of surrender. He was speaking to those who follow Jesus and believe in Him. He was talking about a different type of surrender, sort of. He spoke of the ultimate surrender of control to God's will. Jesus was praying just before He was arrested. He prayed that He would not have to experience the next few hours leading to His death. Then He said, "not my will, but yours" (Luke 22:42, ESV), and He surrendered to the Roman soldiers, knowing what was to come. He didn't have to. He did it because, in His human body, He still understood His mission.
I called Jesus' surrender a different type and then said, sort of. I don't think that in His humanity, this was somehow easier for Jesus than for you and me. I ask a question of you, though: with your controlling behavior, how often are you surrendering to God? How often are you stepping back and saying, not my will, but yours? You (far too often, I) don't realize that when you and I engage in controlling behavior, you and I compound the consequences of wrongdoing. Without realizing it, you and I make things worse for the people we love rather than helping. Surrender, giving up control to God, allows you and me to sit back and watch God work in our lives and in the lives of others. Jesus' surrender was different and paved the way for ours. Your surrender paves the way to healing for the people you love, and maybe a few people you don't love.
What if I am not a believer?
Maybe you are not a follower or believer in Jesus. That doesn't mean you can't get better. You still can move those feelings out of your body. You can express them fully, allowing them to resolve. You can surrender to the reality that you cannot control everything, relax, and find a peaceful rest. You can step back and watch while the people you love figure things out and develop the confidence they need to succeed. You can find freedom and hope when you surrender the pain of your adverse life events or your trauma.
Get help today
The time has come, you are tired of this never-ending cycle, you can make the changes you need, and it is not as difficult as you think. You need three things.
- To want to change.
- To be able to move your eyes side to side.
- To hold a thought.
To be clear, if you are still reading this, you can hold a thought.
I am Vickie, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Maryville, TN, and I help people from Knoxville and the surrounding communities heal from their trauma and the bad stuff that happens. I can help you. Click the link at the top of the page and schedule a time so we can talk.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the four trauma responses?
The four are fight, flight, fawn, and freeze. Your body instinctually reacts to scary things, and we all have different responses, sometimes responding differently depending on the threat. Fight runs toward the trouble. Flight turns and runs or hides. Freeze locks you in place when you should have moved. Fawn gives in to get through it.
Is being a control freak a trauma response?
Often, yes. Trauma is not about what happened to you, it is about how your brain responded to what happened, and staying in control is one way a brain learns to protect itself. You may have grown into adulthood thinking it was normal, still determined to protect yourself by staying in control. The problem is that staying in control of everyone and everything is just making the problem worse.
Can therapy help with control issues?
Yes. Accelerated Resolution Therapy is not perfect, and it sometimes feels miraculous, but it doesn't heal everything every time. It can be an off ramp, a way to stop spinning out of control. You need three things: to want to change, to be able to move your eyes side to side, and to hold a thought.
Crisis Resources
If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) or go to your nearest emergency room. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
If you or someone you love is experiencing domestic violence, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.
About the Author
All clinical content on this website is written or reviewed by Vickie Starkey, LMFT, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Tennessee since 2005 (License #579). Vickie holds a Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and Sociology from Carson-Newman College (1989) and a Master of Divinity in Psychology and Counseling from New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary (1995), and is a Certified Master ART Practitioner since 2023. This content is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional diagnosis or treatment. Verify my license here: https://internet.health.tn.gov/Licensure/
References
English Standard Version Bible. (2001). Crossway Bibles.
Scripture cited: Luke 22:42 (ESV).