LIVING SACRIFICE

Experts don't call it trauma, but it is. You were taught to make yourself a living sacrifice to the people around you. Put others before yourself, they say. You get told to be nice and to be last. You get told that you are not important and your needs don't matter. You bought the lie, the lie that you should live at the bottom of the pile. Have you heard of a pecking order? You don't know any other way. You love the people around you, especially your family. Still, you never stop. You always put everyone else first. You were taught that is the Christian thing to do. The result is you are exhausted.

You are completely worn out and wonder how you are going to get up in the morning and do it again. American society teaches you that you need to work full-time and take care of your husband and children. You need to do the work, keep a smile on your face, and look perfect for him when he gets home at the end of the day. Yeah, I know, that ain't happening! You want to be the perfect Proverbs thirty-one woman, here it is in case you don't remember.

 10 An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. 11 The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. 12 She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. 13 She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands. 14 She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar. 15 She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens. 16 She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard. 17 She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong. 18 She perceives that her merchandise is profitable. Her lamp does not go out at night. 19 She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle. 20 She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy. 21 She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet.6 22 She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant. 25 strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. 26 She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. 27 She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 29 "Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all." 30 Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. 31 Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.<<

You are giving your all

You are doing everything you know to do to accomplish everything you can for your family, and you feel like you just don't measure up. What else can you do? You only sleep a few hours, and you work well into the night. Still, your house is a mess, and the laundry might get put away, maybe. You catch yourself yelling at your kids. You don't know what to do with yourself, and your mind never stops. You feel like you are in a constant panic. Maybe you feel frozen or as if you need to run. You would run if you knew where to go. Life for you is a chronic crisis and running in a dead panic to get things done, after all, you need to measure up. You need to be that Godly Biblical wife you promised to be, but you are failing miserably.

What if I were to tell you that you are going about it all the wrong way? What if I told you that you can be a Proverbs 31 woman without the panic, the fear, the feeling that you are nothing and your needs don't matter? Sometimes, it seems as if Proverbs thirty-one contradicts everything that Jesus tells us. This woman considers a field and buys it with money she earned, yet we believe that we are supposed to be quiet, turn the other cheek, and go the extra mile. How in the world can you do both?

The Answer

I believe the answer is found in verse thirty: "Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." I believe this chapter begins with the big picture and works its way to the main point. Consistently, throughout scripture, God tells us to Love Him first. I think we get things backward and look at the fruit of loving God first, believing that we are loving Him by trying to do things that come as a natural result of loving God first. We fall back on what we have always been taught, and I think we need to revisit exactly what the Bible is saying and look heavily at how Jesus applied his teaching to his own life. Jesus didn't turn the other cheek when He took a whip to the money changers in the temple (John 2:15-17). Those two verses scream anything but turning the other cheek. Jesus healed people, but sometimes he didn't go that extra mile and ended up telling people "no." He could have changed the heart of the rich young ruler, but He didn't do anything extra to heal the man of his greed. Paul carried an affliction that a simple breath would have healed, but God told him, "My grace is sufficient." I translate that phrase to "no." (2 Cor 12.8-10). There are many other examples, but these are just a few.

Question

You Question how you can be nice, make everyone happy, and metaphorically or literally consider a field and buy it without someone taking advantage of you. You wonder how you can find the energy to have your own business and clothe your family in linen. What if I were to tell you that you don't have to be nice? That's right, I can't find "be ye nice" anywhere in the Bible. I do find that we are to be kind, but nice and kind are not the same thing. Let's get back to the trauma. You were taught to ignore your needs and put other people's needs before yours. You were taught to be nice. You were taught that the way to get other people to like you is to give them whatever they want, to be nice. There is nothing kind about giving people whatever they want, in fact, you hurt the people you love when you give them what they want. I think God's directive to be kind and the work described in Proverbs thirty-one go hand in hand and complement each other.

You make the mistake of worrying about making sure other people like you. You make the mistake of doing all of those things so people will approve of you. You don't do them because you fear the Lord. When you change your perspective and start living your life to please the Lord, there is a fruitfulness that is beyond measure. That fruitfulness causes you to completely change how you approach everyone around you and all of your responsibilities. When you get up in the morning and make pleasing God your first priority, then your needs start getting met. When your needs are met, then you can objectively consider the needs of the ones you love. You can recognize what needs you are able to meet and what needs God wants to meet another way. You get tripped up, though, because you want the credit for meeting those needs as well. So, you have to go back to that determination to please God first, and that means letting God take the credit. You cannot meet every need for every person that you love, and when you try, you become more concerned with your ego than with pleasing God. So, what can you do?

There is hope!

Providing counseling in Maryville, TN, is my specialty. Providing counseling for those who are struggling with knowing when and how to say "no," especially Christians who are caught up in a never-ending cycle of people pleasing, is what I do best. Yes, it is possible that I have had to learn the lessons myself, but that is a story for another day. I learned a therapy technique called Accelerated Resolution Therapy. To the best of my knowledge, I am the only therapist in Maryville, TN, who makes this type of therapy my primary choice for helping others. With Accelerated Resolution Therapy, you target the back of your mind where people-pleasing anxiety, depression, impulsivity, and a host of other struggles lie. Accelerated Resolution Therapy provides you with the jump start you need in order to be able to move forward in your relationships.

Counseling is a mixture of Science and Art

Counseling and Therapy are a mixture of science and art. While scientists are learning to use the bilateral stimulation that is at the center of Accelerated Resolution Therapy, the oldest and most reliable source for counseling provides you with the answers you need to accomplish the healing you desperately need. I recently heard someone say that even when he was not a follower of Jesus, if he read the Bible and did what it said, then he experienced exactly what the Bible said he would experience. The challenge for you today is to read the Bible, do what it says, and see what happens with your mental health.